Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 21
It seemed fair to kill my car to me, right, ‘cause my wife was going to leave my ass. I say, “Not in this motherfucker you ain’t. Uh-uh. If you leave me you be drivin’ them Hush Puppies you got on. ‘Cause I’m goin’ kill this motherfucker here.”
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
And I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me?
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.
I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. "There’s no God!" "There might be!"
If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide... you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder... you've never been divorced.
Texting With Girls Dangerously Delicious Preview. I’ll text a girl, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away. Then I’ll say something like: “alright cool, you wanna get pizza on Tuesday?” And I don’t hear anything.
You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman.
I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer... but no one will do it.
I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
As for that word... Retard. I tried to get my sister to start calling her friends retard, you know, to take the word back. Own the power. They could be like, "Yo, Tardo!" "Hey, Retard, what up?" to one another. But if a non-retarded person said it, they'd get pissed, "No, thas our word!" But it's a complicated game of irony and my sister doesn't play that shit. She refuses to use the word retard for fear she might hurt someone's feelings. Me, I'm not so nice.
When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't.