Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 21

I'm not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

I think we should legalize marijuana in this country… so potheads don’t have anything to talk about anymore. Grow up and do coke like an adult!

I'm not condoning rape, obviously. You should never rape anyone. Unless you have a reason like you want to fuck somebody and they won't let you, in which case what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don't rape them, like what the fuck?

What do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? I understand Christmas. Three wise men show up with gifts, 'I love you.' Symbolism, I get that. How did the egg thing happen? Did somebody walk up to somebody else, 'Hey, did you hear? Jesus rose from the dead.' 'Hide the eggs! Hide the eggs! We gotta trick Jesus. Paint the eggs pink or purple. Put them in the park! Trick Jesus!'

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

When people say "life is short". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does! What can you do that's longer?

Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abraham Lincoln lookin' motherfucker.

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.