Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 21
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.
Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abraham Lincoln lookin' motherfucker.
That's my idol, Elvis Presley. If you went to my house, you`d see pictures all over of Elvis. He's just the greatest entertainer that ever lived. And I think it's because he had such presence. When Elvis walked into a room, Elvis Presley was in the fucking room. I don't give a fuck who was in the room with him, Bogart, Marilyn Monroe.
When people say "life is short". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does! What can you do that's longer?
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
I'm not condoning rape, obviously. You should never rape anyone. Unless you have a reason like you want to fuck somebody and they won't let you, in which case what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don't rape them, like what the fuck?
I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
I think we should legalize marijuana in this country… so potheads don’t have anything to talk about anymore. Grow up and do coke like an adult!