Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 21
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.
If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide... you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder... you've never been divorced.
I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer... but no one will do it.
If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
I still don't really know what my style is. I like a lot of different kinds of comedy, I like watching it and I like being inventive and original. That's the problem with doing a longer set - you can't do every joke that you have because some stuff contradicts other stuff. Even when you know that the audience knows that you're joking and it's not true, you still can't do a joke about your family dying and then later talk about your Mom. I mean you want to keep some kind of cohesive order going.
I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. "There’s no God!" "There might be!"
I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
As for that word... Retard. I tried to get my sister to start calling her friends retard, you know, to take the word back. Own the power. They could be like, "Yo, Tardo!" "Hey, Retard, what up?" to one another. But if a non-retarded person said it, they'd get pissed, "No, thas our word!" But it's a complicated game of irony and my sister doesn't play that shit. She refuses to use the word retard for fear she might hurt someone's feelings. Me, I'm not so nice.
Texting With Girls Dangerously Delicious Preview. I’ll text a girl, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away. Then I’ll say something like: “alright cool, you wanna get pizza on Tuesday?” And I don’t hear anything.
You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman.
When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.