Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 244

When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!

The one thing women love more than money is power.

Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

I've tried actively to define myself and redefine myself, and not be pigeonholed.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."

You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

My father was a doctor.

I just want to put some positive stuff out there. If it works, great. If it doesn't, no problem.

I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.