Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 244
I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.
I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"
Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.
So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."
I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
I try to make my bed every day for mental health. Coming home to an unmade bed or a room with clothes all over will depress me.
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.