Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 244
Nowadays you can’t even spank your kids. No, gotta give ‘em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Honestly, it’s my experience that most people that totally suck at something think they are awesome. And a lot of people who think they suck are actually awesome.
I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.
What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? I'm gonna let y'all know right now before I start, I'm stupid for real. OK? This is not an act. This is the way I act, alright, so don't think I'm pretending.
If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.
I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow’s nest says, “Enemy ship ahead!” The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt.” And the servant says, “Uh... okay.” So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn’t loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, “Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why your red shirt?” And the captain says, “Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn’t see the blood and would continue to fight on!” The sailor said, “Oh! That’s brilliant, right there!” The next morning, the guy in the crow’s nest yells, “20 enemy ships ahead!” The captain then said, “Bring me my brown pants!”