Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 244

Jacuzzi? See, I knew y'all was faggots!

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.

Honestly, it’s my experience that most people that totally suck at something think they are awesome. And a lot of people who think they suck are actually awesome.

And you can't smoke in any of this coffee places. Can't smoke at Starbucks, can't smoke in dunkin' doughnuts... I'm pretty sure coffee was invented by people who were smoking anyways. And they just wanted to invent something so they can stay up late and smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one.

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.