Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 244
There’s so many board games with so many different titles, but I feel like they could all have the same title: ‘Which One Of My Friends Is A Competitive Prick?’
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."
James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."
I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
The best thing about where comedy is now is if you have a little bit of talent and a strong work ethic, and strong social skills, you can make a name for yourself and you can make money.
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow’s nest says, “Enemy ship ahead!” The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt.” And the servant says, “Uh... okay.” So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn’t loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, “Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why your red shirt?” And the captain says, “Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn’t see the blood and would continue to fight on!” The sailor said, “Oh! That’s brilliant, right there!” The next morning, the guy in the crow’s nest yells, “20 enemy ships ahead!” The captain then said, “Bring me my brown pants!”