Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 244
What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? I'm gonna let y'all know right now before I start, I'm stupid for real. OK? This is not an act. This is the way I act, alright, so don't think I'm pretending.
You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Black folks never bungie jump. That’s too much like lynching for us. "I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind."
When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
What’s wrong about eating cows? What do you think god made them for? Their big, their stupid, their delicious. You want more reasons? I never met an animal more prepared to die than a cow. Next time you go to the farm look at a cow in the eyes, it is begging you for a bullet.
Is it weird that when your wife’s giving you oral sex, that you go "We're going to make a mouth baby!"
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
Well, you know, my name is Ced and I kinda consider myself an entertainer. Hey that ain’t bad yeah, Cedric the Entertainer.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.