Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 244
And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...
My friend just told me he thought I was easily offended. I just can't believe he said that.
She wants to have cybersex, which if you don't know what cybersex is, it's like phone sex but with the keyboard. It's just a new level of sad.
Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!
I called them up, "Ya, I have ten boxes; can you come pick them up?" "We need to know the weight and the girth." "Okay, good-bye." So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth." "Okay, I don't know what the weight is, and um, I don't know what girth means... So now what's the procedure?" So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old. "Well do you have a bathroom scale?" "Uh, ya but if I put the box on the scale it's gonna cover up the numbers!" What, do I take it off really quick? Ah, zero: I'm not fast enough. What's he talking about? So then he gives me his Mister Wizard Formula, "How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself and get off the scale. Pick up the box, get back on, weigh you and the box together, and subtract your own weight." I'm going, "Slow down. Hold on professor." I know this guys never tried this, because I tried it and you still can't see the numbers! Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula.
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
Being a bigger person, whether you're male or female, in entertainment, it can hurt your chances. Because people look to you to be a so-called superstar. Perfect body, perfect figure, good looking, and smart. And larger people, we have to fit in anywhere we can and the best way we can, so to speak. The way the world looks at you at being perfect, and nobody's perfect.
It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.