Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 243

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

Jacuzzi? See, I knew y'all was faggots!

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.

Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

I feel today's society is so judgmental.

Into the mud, scum queen!

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.

So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don't think I'm a part of my mind that's always working - keeping a record of things that might be funny.

He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face.

I was sent to the principal's office for copying...they heard my Minolta running. The principal said 'Emo, Emo, Emo.' I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!' He said, "do you know I could have you expelled?' I said 'yes, but you'll have to eat me first.'