Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 243
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.
When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!
Honestly, it’s my experience that most people that totally suck at something think they are awesome. And a lot of people who think they suck are actually awesome.
And you can't smoke in any of this coffee places. Can't smoke at Starbucks, can't smoke in dunkin' doughnuts... I'm pretty sure coffee was invented by people who were smoking anyways. And they just wanted to invent something so they can stay up late and smoke fucking more! That's my theory. Just ask me or Columbo, he'll back me up on this one.
I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."
What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? I'm gonna let y'all know right now before I start, I'm stupid for real. OK? This is not an act. This is the way I act, alright, so don't think I'm pretending.
You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.