Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 243
You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
Relationship are tough. Sex is easy. We take a good idea - sex - and turn it into a bad idea - marriage. Statistically the divorce rate is fifty percent and climbing. The "I just had an orgasm and I didn't like it" rate is holding steady at zero.
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.
I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
Shot down by a twenty-two year old waitress in breakaway panties!
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.