Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 243
When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.
Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
The best thing about where comedy is now is if you have a little bit of talent and a strong work ethic, and strong social skills, you can make a name for yourself and you can make money.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
You can’t marry him. You’re a Catholic and he’s… an asshole, think of the children.
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he’d get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you’re being watched? He’s be like: “Dad… Dad… Da-” “What? What? What?” He starts crying. My wife goes, “You scared him!” I’m like, “Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!”
In a store I saw that Peanut Butter and jelly in the same jar stuff. What’s the point to that? I’m lazy but... I want to meet the guy who needs that. "I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars."
I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
The whole thing is if the dog’s in the room with you during sex and you don’t know he’s there. And you’re going pretty good and you hear an extra set of breathing. You’re scared to open your eyes. You think the kids are selling tickets or something.
You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!