Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 243
When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
It's this patronizing thing that people have about if you're against the war everyone's lumped together. You know, the soldiers are not scholars, they're not war experts.
Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.
I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.
And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman. Cause you can't fucking understand them before.
When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!
She wants to have cybersex, which if you don't know what cybersex is, it's like phone sex but with the keyboard. It's just a new level of sad.
I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
I went to Dayton, Ohio, recently. Know what's a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck out, that's what.
I think it's the fact that I do something different and that I actually have some success with it. That bothers a lot of people... especially comics.