Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 243

I had done the sitcom thing to lesser and lesser degrees of success.

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.

When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you.

I'm on top of a moving train, and it's on fire. I'm fucking some girl, and Megan Fox is there, but I'm not having sex with her. She's like, 'Why am I even here?' And I'm like, 'To prove a point. Not everybody wants to fuck you, Megan Fox.'

I'm glad them fucking holidays is over. "Don't drink and drive." Motherfucker, how am I going to get home?

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

When I started, you didn't make a lot of money by being a comedian. You didn't get a lot of respect.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um… breast… out feeding it. You know… cereal or whatever.