Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 248
My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.
A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.
Relationship are tough. Sex is easy. We take a good idea - sex - and turn it into a bad idea - marriage. Statistically the divorce rate is fifty percent and climbing. The "I just had an orgasm and I didn't like it" rate is holding steady at zero.
I was sent to the principal's office for copying...they heard my Minolta running. The principal said 'Emo, Emo, Emo.' I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!' He said, "do you know I could have you expelled?' I said 'yes, but you'll have to eat me first.'
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."
There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow’s nest says, “Enemy ship ahead!” The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt.” And the servant says, “Uh... okay.” So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn’t loose one sailor. At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, “Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Why your red shirt?” And the captain says, “Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn’t see the blood and would continue to fight on!” The sailor said, “Oh! That’s brilliant, right there!” The next morning, the guy in the crow’s nest yells, “20 enemy ships ahead!” The captain then said, “Bring me my brown pants!”
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.
I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.
Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing.