Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 248
Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.
Is it weird that when your wife’s giving you oral sex, that you go "We're going to make a mouth baby!"
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
What’s wrong about eating cows? What do you think god made them for? Their big, their stupid, their delicious. You want more reasons? I never met an animal more prepared to die than a cow. Next time you go to the farm look at a cow in the eyes, it is begging you for a bullet.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
When the show don't be funny, I take my dick out and piss. This is called The Garden Row.
How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing.
I just had a baby girl. My daughter weighed 27 pounds. She was 3 years old. She was delivered to me by way of the court system and a blood test.
I buried my grandmother last year. It was devastating for my grandfather. He's still really mad at me.