Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 248

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.

How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.

When you don't take an aggressive role in shaping your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions, you become a helpless passenger floating through the universe like a ghost ship, merely reacting to wherever it takes you.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

My friends went over to Europe and they brought back a magazine called Piss Drinkers magazine. Now what was really creepy about it was: this was issue 8, volume 22 of Piss Drinkers. It’s a 22-year-old magazine.

Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

White people talking about how Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. No he didn't; polyester did. They stopped wearing cotton; they had to let us go.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.