Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 248
I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her.
It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as "Crack Classic."
I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, "I'm really good at checkers". That's the same thing as saying, "I'm not good at very many things."
I love stand-up. I look at it as a way to always stay productive. I couldn't imagine only being an actor or a writer. Because what the hell do I do when I'm not working? Mope?
You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
Every bad decision I’ve ever made has been based on money. I grew up in the projects and you don’t turn down money there. You take it, because you never know when it’s all going to end. I made Cop III because they offered me $15 million. That $15 million was worth having Roger Ebert’s thumb up my ass.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.