Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 248

Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.

People might say, "What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them." Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?

It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let's not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, 'Oh yeah, that's not true. That didn't happen.'

She wants to have cybersex, which if you don't know what cybersex is, it's like phone sex but with the keyboard. It's just a new level of sad.

I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

You ever see people breath be so bad you can see the words coming out of their mouth? You be standing there talking - 'Yeah, I can see what you're talking about.'

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

I wanted something where I could have the clearest and most unfiltered artistic and creative voice.

I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.