Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 249
Carrot Top is a nickname that people call me and I thought that it was more marketable.
I hate Tom Cruise... In TV interviews Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all. All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, 'The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop by Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise,' and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say, 'No, really, he loves me in that way, I swear.'
Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!"
Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.
You tell your guy friends you got engaged, it's like hearing someone died. 'What happened man? Wow. He was so young, man. What happened? He had his whole life ahead of him. Wow, I just saw him yesterday.'
Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.
I wanted something where I could have the clearest and most unfiltered artistic and creative voice.
You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.
You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.
People are always like, "Oh, she's such a bitch." I'm like, "Yeah, I am a bitch, actually."
You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas..."
Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing.