Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 249
The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
My little sister tried to run away from home once. But, just a few hours later, somebody found the body.
You tell your guy friends you got engaged, it's like hearing someone died. 'What happened man? Wow. He was so young, man. What happened? He had his whole life ahead of him. Wow, I just saw him yesterday.'
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like she could eat Lady GaGa. Great way to get rid of competition.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"
I just had a baby girl. My daughter weighed 27 pounds. She was 3 years old. She was delivered to me by way of the court system and a blood test.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.