Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 249
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Most people would say ‘the deets’, but I say ‘the tails’. Just another example of innovation.
A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Relationship are tough. Sex is easy. We take a good idea - sex - and turn it into a bad idea - marriage. Statistically the divorce rate is fifty percent and climbing. The "I just had an orgasm and I didn't like it" rate is holding steady at zero.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.
White people don't forget shit. 'Cause the next brother Johnny Cochran would have represented would have got all O.J.'s time. "Double life? For speeding? You bullshittin'!"
You tell your guy friends you got engaged, it's like hearing someone died. 'What happened man? Wow. He was so young, man. What happened? He had his whole life ahead of him. Wow, I just saw him yesterday.'
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.