Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 249
Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
My theory is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I tried to capitalized on the values that made the show work. I have to be nice to my guests at the hotel, as I had to do with my patients, even when they're bugging me. And the home-life part seemed to work. I don't want ever to ride the show into the ground. It has been good to me.
Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested.
Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. "One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother."