Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 249

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

Being a bigger person, whether you're male or female, in entertainment, it can hurt your chances. Because people look to you to be a so-called superstar. Perfect body, perfect figure, good looking, and smart. And larger people, we have to fit in anywhere we can and the best way we can, so to speak. The way the world looks at you at being perfect, and nobody's perfect.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I try to make my bed every day for mental health. Coming home to an unmade bed or a room with clothes all over will depress me.

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

I just had a baby girl. My daughter weighed 27 pounds. She was 3 years old. She was delivered to me by way of the court system and a blood test.