Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 255

If a man calls me a nigger, he is calling me something I am not. The nigger exists only in his own mind; therefore his mind is the nigger. I must feel sorry for such a man.

I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

Jews and Blacks come from the same history - 2,000 years of bullshit. We just expressed our suffering differently as people. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain, we just never thought of putting it to music.

I didn't really have a plan of attack when I got in college.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’

This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, who cares? I'm too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, with the car I just stole! Now, this is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for pussies!