Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 255
It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
You might be a redneck if your daughter’s Barbie’s Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
Women don’t have dicks and they don’t want dicks. That amateur psychology crap that women want penises. And they certainly don’t want testicles. Because you know no women in her right mind is going to carry around a bag that she can’t put stuff in.
I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!
I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."
I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."
How could instantly improved vision not be at the top of your TO DO list?
I learned that money's not happiness. The more famous I am and the more money I make, the closer I stay to my family and friends that I've known since junior high school. True happiness to me is the connection with fellow human beings I've known for a long time.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.