Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 255
Some people say, “Ya, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Okay ya, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
Nowadays you can’t even spank your kids. No, gotta give ‘em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.
I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...
I like living in L.A. One thing I don't like about living here is driving. I always get bored when I'm driving, and when I get bored, I go on the Internet on my Blackberry. So I'm gonna die! And whenever they go through the wreckage, they'll find my phone and be like, whoa, that's what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. It'll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was, indeed, in the film "Willow." A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was, indeed, in the film and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. This is the third "Willow"-related death this year.
Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.