Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 255

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

If a man calls me a nigger, he is calling me something I am not. The nigger exists only in his own mind; therefore his mind is the nigger. I must feel sorry for such a man.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, "I'm really good at checkers". That's the same thing as saying, "I'm not good at very many things."

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.