Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 255

That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I know how to get sisters. I got 30 years practicing that. All you got to do is go to the club and say, 'I got that rent money.'

It's really no different for me 'cause I work for bet so it's like the writers are always on strike.

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin' to borrow money. I've always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.

Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.