Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 255

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

The things I talk about in my comedy are my experiences. I just do what I know.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...