Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 255

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. "One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother."

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on dildos, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don’t know what happened, but i’m sorry.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, "Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!" But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, "Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool." But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggas from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right, 'cause it's all white.

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

This is Grand Theft Auto 3. The object of this game, who cares? I'm too busy randomly hitting an old lady with a bat, carjacking a station wagon and running over people, or, my personal favorite, running over the person whose car I just stole, with the car I just stole! Now, this is a video game! Rescuing the princess is for pussies!

I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.

When I walk around, sometimes people recognize me from things they've seen me in, TV or whatever. And they'd say, you know, stuff, and a lot of times, I wouldn't hear what they'd said because I had headphones on. So, I kinda just go, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And I'd just keep walking. And this one guy said something to me one time, and I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And then right when I walked past him, I realized, 'Oh, man, that guy didn't say anything about the show.' He went, 'Hey, man, your fly's down.' And I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show. Glad you like seeing my dick pop out of my pants. Come back next week, you can see one of my balls.'

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."