Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 254
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.
Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
I wanted something where I could have the clearest and most unfiltered artistic and creative voice.
There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.
You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.
We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."
There is always one person in the office that you want to whip their ass! If you don't know who it is, it is probably you.
As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
Sometimes if a woman has a really nice butt she'll wear tight pants. And then everyone looks at her butt when she walks by. That's nice, but it seems like a waste. Everybody's looking there, I feel like we should put important information on the butt. We should put the photos of missing children right on there.