Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 254

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.

I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

I'm like a finger in the ass; you don't know if it's going to be the best orgasm of your life or you're just going to shit the bed.

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long.

Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.