Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 254
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy, gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.
Kids, man, they’re way too honest. They’re like mini-alcoholics.