Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 254

Some people say, “Ya, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Okay ya, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.

But my kids, my brothers' kids - they think about trying to top what we did.

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. "One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother."

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.

That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.