Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 254

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.

You know you're getting old when kids start to dress like you used to and movies are made about your teen life.

We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

What's a pirate minus the ship? Just a creative homeless guy.

Sometimes if a woman has a really nice butt she'll wear tight pants. And then everyone looks at her butt when she walks by. That's nice, but it seems like a waste. Everybody's looking there, I feel like we should put important information on the butt. We should put the photos of missing children right on there.