Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 254
You'll always feel good about your body when you go to the International House of Pancakes - no matter what your body is - because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you’ll ever weigh.
You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas..."
I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Honestly, it’s my experience that most people that totally suck at something think they are awesome. And a lot of people who think they suck are actually awesome.
When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.
I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.
As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. "One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother."
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.