Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 256

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.

I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer - the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.

I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.

You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.

I love my hunting dog. I loved my hunting dog - I'm not very good at hunting.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!