Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 256

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.

You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin' shot that day. "I'm fired? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin' me burn up all my goddamn gas..."

It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

My black friends in America don't believe me. I said, 'Dude, I'm Nigerian American.' 'Word? We thought you were, like, regular black.' What the hell is 'regular black'? Crayola coming out with colors I don't know about?

I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.

My sister loves dirty comedy. She'll laugh hysterically at every foul word, every titillating premise, every fart noise and every faggot impression. It will come as no surprise then, when I tell you that her favorite comic is Janeane Garofalo. She thinks she's really cool. Her favorite movie moment of all time is that scene in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" when Janeane's character, on roller skates, is pulled down the street by a couple of dogs. Regardless of where you are on the whole alternative comedy debate, you gotta admit, that shit was funny.

Ambition beats genius 99 percent of the time.

I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their fucking window, am I right?

We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called "trickle down." That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: "We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it."

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'

Sledge-O-Matic removes unwanted fingerprints from walls. Sledge-O-Matic also removes unwanted walls from fingerprints.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.