Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 256
Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.
They found two birds in Whitestone, Queens that were infected with the virus. Who finds these birds? I grew up in Queens. We used to find dead birds all the time. We didn't take them in for autopsies. We picked them up, and we threw them at the gay kid.
Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on dildos, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don’t know what happened, but i’m sorry.
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
My black friends in America don't believe me. I said, 'Dude, I'm Nigerian American.' 'Word? We thought you were, like, regular black.' What the hell is 'regular black'? Crayola coming out with colors I don't know about?
Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.
I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.