Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 256
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.
My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
People always ask "Rich, why don't you take a vacation?" Why would I? I have no interests or hobbies. The only things I care about are naked women and comedy. If I do my job well it often provides both.
As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off.
Old peoples' skin sags because it's being pulled toward the underworld.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.