Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 256

I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.

James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I don't pay attention to the number of birthdays. It's weird when I say I'm 53. It just is crazy that I'm 53. I think I'm very immature. I feel like a kid. That's why my back goes out all the time, because I completely forget I can't do certain things anymore - like doing the plank for 10 minutes.

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.

It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.

You know what I would do? I would remake The Wizard of Oz with Robin Williams, and that's it. Just let him do the whole dang thing by himself.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.

Your baby is supposed to like Skittles, you ignorant bitch!

I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.