Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 256

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin' to borrow money. I've always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.