Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 256

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes.

Dress code: Black tie optional. Just like life.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I grew up watching a lot of television.

I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

America, for me, is a philosophical and emotional decision... It’s a flag and an idea. It’s a dream.

I'm going to be talking about food, being fat, and being over 50 - all the 'F' words.

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!

My feeling on entertainers that get all upset about wanting their private life, I go, ‘You chose this business.’ If you want your private life that much, stay in the house.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

They found two birds in Whitestone, Queens that were infected with the virus. Who finds these birds? I grew up in Queens. We used to find dead birds all the time. We didn't take them in for autopsies. We picked them up, and we threw them at the gay kid.