Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 261
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Do you love 'Trading Spaces'? I do. I would never be on that show, though. You want to know why? 'Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. They do not have my best interests at heart. 'Cause it's always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer coming in, going, 'Oh my goodness, I love this place. This is what I'm thinking for your friend's house: circus tent. Big circus tent! Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?' 'Oh yeah, he'd love a circus tent. No, no no no, yeah. Why don't you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt, that way the ponies will feel at home.' 'Great. We're under budget.'
You might be a redneck if you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.
It's really no different for me 'cause I work for bet so it's like the writers are always on strike.
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
I was in Mexico, and I see how these people operate. They're not stupid. Did you know that in Cabo San Lucas, there is actually a Home Depot? I swear to God. Then I went inside the Home Depot, but there was nothing inside, completely empty. It was just a fa ade. And then I looked outside, and there were Mexicans standing out front - but there was nothing inside, but they were outside. And then I realized: it's a training facility!