Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 261
She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you can just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah, man. Turns out, she’s crazy.’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
I think it’s creepy if a guy says, "I would never hit a girl." Cause that should go without saying. That’s like if you ever heard a guy go, "I would never crap in a hot tub."
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say "I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!"
If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
The things I talk about in my comedy are my experiences. I just do what I know.
Well, my career choice made a difference because I never would have met my wife, Jenny. I met her through comedian Buddy Hackett. He set us up on a blind date and then we got married.
One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.
Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?
I bought a house. I spent $300,000 for it. Now it’s only worth $100,000. But I owe $500,000. I done refinance my house so many times, I don’t even own the gate.
There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.
Why would you hire MTV to do music? MTV has nothing to do with music, ok? MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where? In your eye, music goes in your ear. Ear eye, eye ear, big fucking difference! Music is like a drug, when you hear it you have a vision, and that vision can change over time or remain the same.