Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 261
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Every bad decision I’ve ever made has been based on money. I grew up in the projects and you don’t turn down money there. You take it, because you never know when it’s all going to end. I made Cop III because they offered me $15 million. That $15 million was worth having Roger Ebert’s thumb up my ass.
A friend told me to listen to my heart. Another friend told me to listen to my gut. Maybe I need an autopsy, because right now my colon is kind of iffy.
As a recovering addict I know resentments are trouble so I have none except resenting myself.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
The human spirit is more powerful than any drug and that is what needs to be nourished with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.
I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America.
You might be a redneck if your daughter’s Barbie’s Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.