Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 261

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like "Mom did you read this?"

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

My friends like to tell me before they fart like it's important. They get really excited, like I wanna know about it. "Jeez I'm gonna fart." "Don't do it in here ya dickhead there's no windows." Or they tell you after they've done it. "I just farted." But nobody ever tell's you while their doing it. That'd be a bit weird going "I'm farting! (Pause) Still goin'!"

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep... So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made sense at the time!

And there’s definitely no wine called Tupac Shakur.

Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.

I started a big part of my career in Vegas.

Don't want to go down to Alabama. It's hot down there - slave heat. It was like 98 degrees at three in the morning. I was like, Alabama must got their own sun. I was hiding from the sun like it was the police.

Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good.

Here’s a guy who when he runs, he goes faster.