Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 261
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
The government scares me. They're taking my picture at the stop sign. They're looking through my shoes at the airport. They're worried about gay people getting married, locking up potheads, having congressional investigations because of Janet Jackson's tit. You're better off committing murder or rape because those things you can get away with.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
I've always wanted to uppercut a punkass and send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it.
Don't want to go down to Alabama. It's hot down there - slave heat. It was like 98 degrees at three in the morning. I was like, Alabama must got their own sun. I was hiding from the sun like it was the police.
How could instantly improved vision not be at the top of your TO DO list?
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer - the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.
Everything organic and natural is good, ignoring the fact that organic natural substances include arsenic and poo and crocodiles. And everything chemical is bad, ignoring the fact that… everything is chemicals.
The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. "Nobody's getting my Ipod." Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.
In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show...
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.