Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 262
If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. "Nobody's getting my Ipod." Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
I love when people in New York City complain about your smoking. Isn't that great? Yeah. These people are standing ankle-deep in dog links, straddling a dead guy, you know. Apparently my cigarette's fucking up the delicate balance of nature here.
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.'
I bought a house. I spent $300,000 for it. Now it’s only worth $100,000. But I owe $500,000. I done refinance my house so many times, I don’t even own the gate.
I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.
I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer - the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.