Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 262
The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.
I think it’s creepy if a guy says, "I would never hit a girl." Cause that should go without saying. That’s like if you ever heard a guy go, "I would never crap in a hot tub."
I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer - the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas.
The government scares me. They're taking my picture at the stop sign. They're looking through my shoes at the airport. They're worried about gay people getting married, locking up potheads, having congressional investigations because of Janet Jackson's tit. You're better off committing murder or rape because those things you can get away with.
New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off. But she forgot she has no bra on, and so she just ran in the back. And the cashier looks at me and goes, 'That'll be an extra two bucks.'
Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.