Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 262
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
Not all drugs are good, all right? Some of them... are great. Just gotta know your way around them, is all.
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.
I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
It's weird, when you buy a house you just suddenly become really conservative. Before, when I rented, I didn't give a shit if there was a homeless guy jerking off on the street. I thought it was funny. 'Look at that guy right outside my window! Who needs cable when that guys sitting there rubbin' one out? Look at the lady runnin'!' It was great. But once you buy... every fuckin' little thing. 'Ahhh there's a pothole down the street that needs to be covered!'
Don't want to go down to Alabama. It's hot down there - slave heat. It was like 98 degrees at three in the morning. I was like, Alabama must got their own sun. I was hiding from the sun like it was the police.