Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 262
You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."
The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
You have to hold your hand out, cuz the steam makes you angry. Try to bring your hand in, "ooh! I hate steam! Whoever invented steam sucks!"
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks… You really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then - one day - you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralysed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then - one day - you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.