Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 260

The truth is that God is to be found in all things - even and most especially in the painful, tragic and unpleasant things.

When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

America, for me, is a philosophical and emotional decision... It’s a flag and an idea. It’s a dream.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!

I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

I bought a house. I spent $300,000 for it. Now it’s only worth $100,000. But I owe $500,000. I done refinance my house so many times, I don’t even own the gate.

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.

You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

They found two birds in Whitestone, Queens that were infected with the virus. Who finds these birds? I grew up in Queens. We used to find dead birds all the time. We didn't take them in for autopsies. We picked them up, and we threw them at the gay kid.

When I walk around, sometimes people recognize me from things they've seen me in, TV or whatever. And they'd say, you know, stuff, and a lot of times, I wouldn't hear what they'd said because I had headphones on. So, I kinda just go, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And I'd just keep walking. And this one guy said something to me one time, and I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And then right when I walked past him, I realized, 'Oh, man, that guy didn't say anything about the show.' He went, 'Hey, man, your fly's down.' And I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show. Glad you like seeing my dick pop out of my pants. Come back next week, you can see one of my balls.'