Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 260
All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
I know some of you got upset when I called that woman a cunt, but someone steals over a thousand dollars from me I call ‘em what the fuck I want.
The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. "Nobody's getting my Ipod." Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.
I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas.
I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer - the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.
Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer.
If you're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and your marriage is breaking up - that's an awful thing. But to see that speculation in people, it's gotta sting a little bit.
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.