Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 260
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.
You might be a redneck if you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size.
I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"
I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, "How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask."
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.
America, for me, is a philosophical and emotional decision... It’s a flag and an idea. It’s a dream.
You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...
Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl... or boy.
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then - one day - you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralysed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then - one day - you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.