Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 260
Don't want to go down to Alabama. It's hot down there - slave heat. It was like 98 degrees at three in the morning. I was like, Alabama must got their own sun. I was hiding from the sun like it was the police.
If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.
How could instantly improved vision not be at the top of your TO DO list?
If you've ever thought of jumping off of a tall building, there was a guy who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He survived, and he said this, he said "halfway down, I thought it was a bad idea."
My sister loves dirty comedy. She'll laugh hysterically at every foul word, every titillating premise, every fart noise and every faggot impression. It will come as no surprise then, when I tell you that her favorite comic is Janeane Garofalo. She thinks she's really cool. Her favorite movie moment of all time is that scene in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" when Janeane's character, on roller skates, is pulled down the street by a couple of dogs. Regardless of where you are on the whole alternative comedy debate, you gotta admit, that shit was funny.
My family wasn’t very religious. On Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, "How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask."
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
The things I talk about in my comedy are my experiences. I just do what I know.