Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 260

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

I wanted to be a leading man - the black lawyer, the black doctor, the black policeman.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.

I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer - the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.

When did sex become a bad thing? Did I miss a meeting?

I can hear my mother now: 'What? Oh, you gonna get a divorce? It's just that easy, huh? Things get hard, things get rough - you just want to throw in the towel, just like that. Let me tell you something, that's a bunch of bull. Let me tell you something - your father and I had a shoot out, OK? He took one in the arm - Harry, show her where I shot you - now, see that's love right there. You gotta learn how to work these things out. He was wrong, I shot him - you move on.'

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!

Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl... or boy.

Some of us will never ever find true love. Take, for instance me. And I'm pretty sure that guy right there. And that lady with the sideburns. And basically everybody at table nine.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.