Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 260
What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? I'm gonna let y'all know right now before I start, I'm stupid for real. OK? This is not an act. This is the way I act, alright, so don't think I'm pretending.
We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
I can hear my mother now: 'What? Oh, you gonna get a divorce? It's just that easy, huh? Things get hard, things get rough - you just want to throw in the towel, just like that. Let me tell you something, that's a bunch of bull. Let me tell you something - your father and I had a shoot out, OK? He took one in the arm - Harry, show her where I shot you - now, see that's love right there. You gotta learn how to work these things out. He was wrong, I shot him - you move on.'
You might be a redneck if you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.
I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.
You give a white kid some napkins and duck sauce, they'll make a bomb.
Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.
Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!
If we all die and there is no God, then it’s just eternal unconsciousness, you’ll never know, but if you’re wrong... you’ll know forever.
Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.
I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'