Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 27
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.
Let me tell you the truth. The truth is what is, and what should be is a fantasy. A terrible, terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago.
Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny, but we’ll quit beating this dead horse when it stops spitting out money. But until then, we will repeat stuff.
I'm not worried about Hell. I was married for two fucking years! Hell would be like Club Med!
My ex-girlfriend have a lot of like really annoying habits, you know I think the worst was she love to read women’s magazines like Cosmo or things like Cosmo and she would flip straight to the relationship quiz, and not only would she present that to me, as if it was like a fun activity for us to do together, even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them, so we’d get the best score.
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.
I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."