Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 27

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.

Instead my life has been like being mashed and mashed through a wine press until finally there will be nothing left but the desire to live by divine will, knowing what I'm really supposed to do and doing it.

We don't want to drink and drive... But there's no other way to get the fucking car back to the house! How are we supposed to get fucking home?

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

You cannot pee in a Mr. Coffee and get Taster's Choice.

It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, "Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- "Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

I'm so Southern I'm related to myself.

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Gas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did I eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, I've got 3 cigarettes."

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.