Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 27
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.
We don't want to drink and drive... But there's no other way to get the fucking car back to the house! How are we supposed to get fucking home?
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.
Instead my life has been like being mashed and mashed through a wine press until finally there will be nothing left but the desire to live by divine will, knowing what I'm really supposed to do and doing it.
When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. It's like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant - just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, 'What are you doing?' 'Someone called him the n-word.'
With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?
Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?