Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 26
I’m in jail... and I realize I am blond... I have a tan... I wear white pants... I’m a very pretty man...
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!
I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.
Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!
Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.
I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."
I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, "That is cool". But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, "That is not cool". Then I figured it out: Cool is all about leather sleeves.
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate guys that say "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs... You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh god, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. That girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was great!"
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.