Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 26
Dave Chappelle was great. He's just the way he is in the wraparounds on the show. He's a really laid back guy. Just doing five skits on his show gave me enough exposure where I was able to move up a few notches, which was like night and day from where I was in this business. So I'm always thanking him.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.
I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."
Why don't you climb down off the cross, take the wood to build a bridge, and get over it!
You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the deadliest catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fishin'."
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"
I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.
I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
My teacher in the seventh grade told me that if I didn't fool around during class, I could have 15 minutes at the end of the day to do a comedy routine. Instead of bugging everybody, I'd figure out my routine. And at the end of the day, I'd get to perform in front of my entire class. I thought it was really smart of her. It's amazing how important that was.