Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 275
Some men see things as they are and ask why. I dream things that never were, get distracted, then go out for pancakes.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom bored ya no. Somebody goes "You want a cup of tea?" and I go "Oar he hor." Start feeling a little bit depressed when it gets to the bottom, I think to myself I'll just make myself another cup, I can feel happy again.
But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
There’s been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.
I don't know what to tell a brother without no future. What do you tell him? What do you say on the phone? Keep your head up and your ass down.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.