Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 275
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?
The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.
I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.
Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".
Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to inspire people when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.