Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 275
I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."
My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry.
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like "Home Improvement"? Tape it and go over it like the Zapruder film. It's your life; live it on your terms.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to inspire people when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.
This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.
Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was - smart. Very smart he was".