Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 275
At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. You know!
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
But we are at war, and we here at The Daily Show will do our best to keep you informed of any late-breaking... humor we can find. Of course, our show is obviously at a disadvantage compared to the many news sources that we're competing with… at a disadvantage in several respects. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility we are, well, oddly enough, actually about even. We're about even.
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
I was raised to believe that you had to do things better than white people in order to succeed. The old black shows were better than the white shows. The Jeffersons was a lot better. Good Times was way funnier. Sanford and Son. Now, though, everyone thinks we're equal, so we submit the same s... that everyone else submits. And then we get mad when they won't air it. You got to go back to the old attitude of it has to be twice as good.