Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 275
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises' manhood. It was like, "I can be strong, too!"
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
When one door closes another door opens. Usually a refrigerator.
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Jews and Blacks come from the same history - 2,000 years of bullshit. We just expressed our suffering differently as people. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complain, we just never thought of putting it to music.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
Do you love 'Trading Spaces'? I do. I would never be on that show, though. You want to know why? 'Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. They do not have my best interests at heart. 'Cause it's always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer coming in, going, 'Oh my goodness, I love this place. This is what I'm thinking for your friend's house: circus tent. Big circus tent! Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?' 'Oh yeah, he'd love a circus tent. No, no no no, yeah. Why don't you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt, that way the ponies will feel at home.' 'Great. We're under budget.'
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.