Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 274

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.

I love John Madden because he makes me feel smart.

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.

It's weird, when you buy a house you just suddenly become really conservative. Before, when I rented, I didn't give a shit if there was a homeless guy jerking off on the street. I thought it was funny. 'Look at that guy right outside my window! Who needs cable when that guys sitting there rubbin' one out? Look at the lady runnin'!' It was great. But once you buy... every fuckin' little thing. 'Ahhh there's a pothole down the street that needs to be covered!'

Twang him into a tree!

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Fatherhood is helping your children learn English as a foreign language.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."

The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.

You saw “Titanic.” The band was playing as the ship went down. What Black band you know gonna keep playing with the damn ship goin’ down? Kool and the Gang would have been unplugging shit. “Man, let’s get the fuck out of here.”