Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 274
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'
We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
My movies just kind of sneak up on you. I don't have to worry too much about what everybody is going to say. Anyway, I really don't pay attention to what the world says about my movies. I just care about what my buddies think.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
'I before E except after C?' Americans don't want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I' looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the dot, right there in the middle!
In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry.
They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?
Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the size of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"