Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 274
Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.
Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.
Is milk good or bad?... I rest my case. You don't know. You don't know anymore, and a lot of you are sitting there thinking "Fuck, I'm an adult and I don't need to drink that shit anymore!"
When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.
I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream - to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.
The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child. 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap.'