Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 276
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
They suck. It's like being in love with an alcoholic. It's like, you constantly defend her, and people are like, 'Dude, your alcoholic friend is a mess,' and you're like, 'Nah, you don't know her like I do.'
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
[on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - fucking doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved.
We were poor. If I wasn't a boy, I wouldn't have had nothing to play with.
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.