Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 276
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
It means everything. You don't want to go through your four years of high school with a certain team beating you four years in a row. You always want to show them you can come out on top in the end.
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
Sometimes It feels like the world is just being mean, like when it’s windy out. I’ll just be walking down the street and it’s like the world saying to me "Hey, you like air? Yeah? Yeah? You need that to breathe? Here’s some fucking air right in your face, there you go. Breathe up, stupid."
At family gatherings in the holidays, there was always some aunt, you know, with a moustache and a wart on her head, and she gives you a big sloppy kiss, ssssshhhhhkkkkk, you know, but when you try to go further with her... Oh boy. You know!
Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.
Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready? Non-smokers die every day... Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality... You're dead too.
But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"
I did all those other jobs very poorly and half-heartedly really just to pay the bills while I went after this comedy dream.