Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 276

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience.

My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

I have to be legitimate in my lyrics to be genuine. If I constantly made up stuff, soon enough I would run out a fuel because there is but so much jokes you can come up with. You have to use real experiences so people can relate.

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.