Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 276

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"

Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream - to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.

Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

They do have weird ads. That one with the mother and daughter on the beach - 'Mom, why do they have douche?' Why don't you ask the pelicans that are following you?