Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 276

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

I couldn't stop drinking until the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Now take your ass home, pal."

Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.

Comedians are never really on vacation because you're always at attention... that antenna is always out there.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

Made the beat then murdered it. Casey Anthony.

It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incident, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.