Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 276
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
'I before E except after C?' Americans don't want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I' looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the dot, right there in the middle!
Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
The human spirit is more powerful than any drug and that is what needs to be nourished with work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.