Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 276
I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.
"You've gotten fat!" "Well you're fat too!" "I know I'm fat! I was fat in high school! I kept my figure, why couldn't you?"
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.
King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
Say what you will about Gypsy women, but they are remarkable assessors of blues guitar talent.
Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.