Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 282
Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises' manhood. It was like, "I can be strong, too!"
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.
So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...
Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.