Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 282
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys... we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!
My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me "Hey, you going to Seattle?". "Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour." Here's your sign!
The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.
President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.
Most people think white people can't dance. Truth is, white people be too fucked up to dance.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.