Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 282
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.
Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.
It means everything. You don't want to go through your four years of high school with a certain team beating you four years in a row. You always want to show them you can come out on top in the end.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...
I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That’s all America is: a government. There’s no such thing as ‘we’re Americans.’ That’s just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy, you’re a person, you’re an individual.