Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 282

She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas.

So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.

Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there - you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?

I like living in L.A. One thing I don't like about living here is driving. I always get bored when I'm driving, and when I get bored, I go on the Internet on my Blackberry. So I'm gonna die! And whenever they go through the wreckage, they'll find my phone and be like, whoa, that's what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. It'll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was, indeed, in the film "Willow." A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was, indeed, in the film and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. This is the third "Willow"-related death this year.

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.

Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.