Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 282

I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.

It's a simple and an effective way of getting everyone on the same page, prepared and paying attention to the gag. People just get into that frame of mind of you doing impressions. It can take a minute or two for an audience to catch on when you aren't doing one.

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.

I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.

Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.

Being a celebrity, I don't even have to talk.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

Items I noticed on a recent cross-country tour: Ad in a Louisville newspaper: “for sale cheap - my son's collection of bebop and rock and roll records. If a 14-year-old's voice answers the phone, hang up and call later”. A sign on a runway at the Great Lakes naval station: “Absolutely no flying permitted over nudist camp 6.4 miles SSW on a true course of 167 degrees.” Item in an Indianapolis newspaper: “Miss Jan Carr was overcome by gas while taking a bath. She owes her life to the watchfulness of the janitor in her apartment.” Ad in classified column of a University of Cincinnati medical journal: “Will the person who stole the jar of alcohol from Room 303 kindly return my uncle's appendix? No questions asked.”

See that salesman, twirling that umbrella. I invented that.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

You have to break in half to love somebody.