Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 283
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
I think when the movie `Roxanne' came out, which I also had written, I felt something new that I never felt, which was respect.
I’ve been doing stand-up longer than I’ve been doing anything. It’s just learning how to act on camera, trying to get better at that, figuring out how to make my humor translate and bounce off other people. It’s not a big challenge, but the main thing is just trying to be on point and be the best I can be on these shows.
I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me "Hey, you going to Seattle?". "Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour." Here's your sign!
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.
We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off!
I feel right at home on this roast with you guys. It's like being in the ghetto... because in the ghetto you get stabbed in the back by total strangers too!
Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.