Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 283
Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.
[On marketing and commercials] HENDERSON VALLEY EGGS! You're gonna love our eggs!!!... [cut to small granny in rockin chair] I like eggs the old fashioned way. [return to youth] "Fuck you granny!" [punch mimic]
I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by "This Bud is for you."
You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to inspire people when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.