Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 283
We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.
There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
I’ve been doing stand-up longer than I’ve been doing anything. It’s just learning how to act on camera, trying to get better at that, figuring out how to make my humor translate and bounce off other people. It’s not a big challenge, but the main thing is just trying to be on point and be the best I can be on these shows.
King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'
Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.