Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 283

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fucking need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

If you like strange, specific stuff - that's a nerd. Kanye West is a black nerd. He likes strange, specific stuff. If you go up to Kanye West and say, 'Hey, what are your favorite things?' He'll be like, 'Robots and teddy bears.' That's a nerd.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

Do you love 'Trading Spaces'? I do. I would never be on that show, though. You want to know why? 'Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. They do not have my best interests at heart. 'Cause it's always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer coming in, going, 'Oh my goodness, I love this place. This is what I'm thinking for your friend's house: circus tent. Big circus tent! Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?' 'Oh yeah, he'd love a circus tent. No, no no no, yeah. Why don't you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt, that way the ponies will feel at home.' 'Great. We're under budget.'

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

You have to break in half to love somebody.

Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises' manhood. It was like, "I can be strong, too!"

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.