Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 283

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

The best time to go to Vegas is during Christmastime, because nothing beats watching people gamble while they play Christmas carols. I'm Jewish, and I'm astonished. People going, "Goddammit!" "Jesus Christ!" "Holy fuck!" "Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum."

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.