Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 283
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready? Non-smokers die every day... Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality... You're dead too.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
I’ve been doing stand-up longer than I’ve been doing anything. It’s just learning how to act on camera, trying to get better at that, figuring out how to make my humor translate and bounce off other people. It’s not a big challenge, but the main thing is just trying to be on point and be the best I can be on these shows.
King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’