Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 283

Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I've always wanted a black girlfriend. Not as a joke, just so when we sixty-nine I can call it Yin-Yanging.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

I never would have thought being high in a zoo would lead to that.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."

There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.

This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.