Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 281
People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.
'I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.
I’ve been doing stand-up longer than I’ve been doing anything. It’s just learning how to act on camera, trying to get better at that, figuring out how to make my humor translate and bounce off other people. It’s not a big challenge, but the main thing is just trying to be on point and be the best I can be on these shows.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was - smart. Very smart he was".
I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready? Non-smokers die every day... Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality... You're dead too.