Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 281
"You've gotten fat!" "Well you're fat too!" "I know I'm fat! I was fat in high school! I kept my figure, why couldn't you?"
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the size of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.
My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!
If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.
Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.