Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 281

Cakes are the only food we write on. It’s always so encouraging like “Happy Birthday Leo,” “Congratulations Eric.” I feel like we’re missing an opportunity. I’m talking about negative cakes - “Surprise, You’re Adopted.” Cause that’s when you want cake.

By now you’ve heard the constant right wing attacks on the elite media and the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of Washington elite, a subset of the East Coast elite, which is overtly influenced by the Hollywood elite. So, basically, unless you’re a shit-kicker from Kansas, you’re with the terrorists.

Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.

Come on, man, I got a full beard!

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.

There's nothing worse than being an aging young person.

I saw that Linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'Should have been more specific.'

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.