Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 281
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
Look at this dais... you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer... and then eight white people.
Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?
We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, "who's that?" I say, "that's Jesus". He says, "baby Jesus?!" I say, "yeah, that's him". He says, "somebody killed baby Jesus!" It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. "what? The bastards killed Jesus!"
Don't fucking work hard you die at the end, didn't anyone ever tell you that?
If it’s just the voice, then you can only do jokes. It’s not really even about the impression so much. It’s about the take and what you do with the person. I try to get a character across with the impression.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.