Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 281
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.
I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definite lifestyle plus isn't it? Aren't bosses something? They're like gnats at a picnic man. Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed. My bed was like a womb man.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.
I have to be legitimate in my lyrics to be genuine. If I constantly made up stuff, soon enough I would run out a fuel because there is but so much jokes you can come up with. You have to use real experiences so people can relate.
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
The weather is out of control throughout the entire country. Where ever you go, it's 90, then it's 30, then it's 80, then it's 20, and my balls can't take it. They're big and then small. Big, small, big, small. Apparently, I can't have kids, cause my sperm are gagging.
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.
Here's a guy that when he puts his contacts in, he can see better.