Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 287
[On marketing and commercials] HENDERSON VALLEY EGGS! You're gonna love our eggs!!!... [cut to small granny in rockin chair] I like eggs the old fashioned way. [return to youth] "Fuck you granny!" [punch mimic]
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
The weather is out of control throughout the entire country. Where ever you go, it's 90, then it's 30, then it's 80, then it's 20, and my balls can't take it. They're big and then small. Big, small, big, small. Apparently, I can't have kids, cause my sperm are gagging.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me "Hey, you going to Seattle?". "Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour." Here's your sign!
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
May your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be spooky-monster-scary and not grandma-died-scary.
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
Ladies, if you’re at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
It's a simple and an effective way of getting everyone on the same page, prepared and paying attention to the gag. People just get into that frame of mind of you doing impressions. It can take a minute or two for an audience to catch on when you aren't doing one.
A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.