Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 287
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
I feel right at home on this roast with you guys. It's like being in the ghetto... because in the ghetto you get stabbed in the back by total strangers too!
Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
It's a simple and an effective way of getting everyone on the same page, prepared and paying attention to the gag. People just get into that frame of mind of you doing impressions. It can take a minute or two for an audience to catch on when you aren't doing one.
The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.
I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.