Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 287

Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … "fuck that bitch," "fuck that bitch."

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

The Ford Flex is a really, really cool car. You get inside and you have so much headroom and it's really comfortable to drive and it's real techy inside. You look at the screen and it's blue and you've got all kinds of controls. Everything is digital.

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

This town has lost a lot of business. I've had a lot of people tell me they`re tired of driving to Bonner Springs.

Comedians: We're allowed to not have a podcast right?

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

All I can say about life is, 'Oh God, enjoy it!'

So at the CES, there was a guy selling off this porno called Fuck My Dirty Shithole: The Movie. I bet you're thinking exactly what I was thinking … how did they make that book into a movie?

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.