Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 287
Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.
Black conservatives have a right to exist, but why would I want to walk around with a swastika on my shirt after the way Hitler done messed it up?
People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.
Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.
So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
I used to be a folk singer, but er I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
[On marketing and commercials] HENDERSON VALLEY EGGS! You're gonna love our eggs!!!... [cut to small granny in rockin chair] I like eggs the old fashioned way. [return to youth] "Fuck you granny!" [punch mimic]
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.
My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.
Cakes are the only food we write on. It’s always so encouraging like “Happy Birthday Leo,” “Congratulations Eric.” I feel like we’re missing an opportunity. I’m talking about negative cakes - “Surprise, You’re Adopted.” Cause that’s when you want cake.