Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 287
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.
But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…"
I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.
Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.
I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, "Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy?" But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
Well, honey, she's brain dead. Her brain doesn't work anymore.' 'You mean like Uncle Rudy?' 'No, honey, Uncle Rudy's on Thorazine. And Paxil. And marijuana. And merlot.'
If your wife says to you, "We need to talk," horse sh!t. Start a fire in your house, it's easier to deal with. Cause when your wife says to you, "We need to talk" it does not mean we need to talk, it means you need to sit there and listen while I tell you all the ways you've been fuckin' up! That's what that means. You ain't never gonna hear a man say, "We need to talk,"...Unless...He caught a disease while he was out fishing...
I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.
I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.