Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 287
No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
Terrorists are planning to disrupt our democratic process. It's scary I know, but we're not going to let al Qaeda tell us what to do. In fact, our government has decided that if al Qaeda attempts to disrupt our democratic process, we are going to respond by disrupting it first.
She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is..." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."
Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.
Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.
Justin Bieber’s tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.
Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.