Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 288
You know that dumb song 'More money, more problems'? Yeah, because you're goin' down to the fuckin' titty bar with money hangin' out of your pocket, dumpin' Cristal all over a rug in front of people who work in cubicles. More titty bars, more problems... is really what it is.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is..." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."
There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.
Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.
I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.