Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 288
President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.
Most people think white people can't dance. Truth is, white people be too fucked up to dance.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
Sanford and Son is more than just a name. It's a condition, a dynasty, an empire. This here is the finest pile of junk of the world.
I did all those other jobs very poorly and half-heartedly really just to pay the bills while I went after this comedy dream.
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.
All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.
I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.
Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.
I like to go to England, and I'll tell you why. I like to go to a country where I am considered the best-looking person. It's as simple as that. Hollywood, kind of a crushing ego blow - 'Hey Buddy Holly, you are so old, have you not perished in a plane crash?' But not in England, good God, not there. In England, God bless that dinky island, there it's, 'Good God, look at him. He has all his teeth and his ears are in proportion to his head.' I'm Brad bloody Pitt on that island.
Well, honey, she's brain dead. Her brain doesn't work anymore.' 'You mean like Uncle Rudy?' 'No, honey, Uncle Rudy's on Thorazine. And Paxil. And marijuana. And merlot.'