Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 288
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.
My show is a little bit silly and a little bit pretentious. Like Shakespeare's willy. Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on.
I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...
Pedestrian's rights - because we live in California, I've got to address this issue. I don't know where on the fence I am about that. I suppose if I'm walking, I'm all for it, but if I'm driving, that's a whole other can of worms.
People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists.
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.
I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by "This Bud is for you."
Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"