Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 288

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

Life is a four-letter word.

I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?

If someone gives you a kazoo and toots around the house to MTV, they're not gonna fuck you.

Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.

So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, "Hey, we're making money right now!"

I don't know who you niggas are talking about "let's go back to Africa." But after seeing Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, you can sell my ticket! I'm staying right here. I'll take my chances with the Klan. I can outrun a fat redneck, but I can't outrun no Tutu.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I'd much rather have AIDS than a baby... They're not that different at all. They're both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they're constant reminders of the mistakes you've made and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them.

Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.