Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 288
I'm the enemy because I like to think. I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy that could sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs or the side order of gravy fries? I want high cholesterol. I would eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese. Okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigars the size of Cincinnati in the nonsmoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I might suddenly feel the need to. Okay, pal?
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."
Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.
I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.
All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Black conservatives have a right to exist, but why would I want to walk around with a swastika on my shirt after the way Hitler done messed it up?
I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem. It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me. Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.