Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 288

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

I found a great new weed killer, but it stains the carpet.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.

I'm the enemy because I like to think. I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy that could sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs or the side order of gravy fries? I want high cholesterol. I would eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese. Okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigars the size of Cincinnati in the nonsmoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I might suddenly feel the need to. Okay, pal?

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

Now I'm starting to jog. But every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next '1' ready to be launched in case I drop.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.