Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 288
A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of "Not this again," and "Hey, where did you learn that?"
Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.
'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.