Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 292

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!

There's a song out now called Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent. So when a man asks a woman Hey, baby! What's going on? The woman will say, The rent, motherfucker!

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

'Raising awareness' is another form of doing nothing!

What’s the “I” stand for, “I need a bigger bed”?

Cakes are the only food we write on. It’s always so encouraging like “Happy Birthday Leo,” “Congratulations Eric.” I feel like we’re missing an opportunity. I’m talking about negative cakes - “Surprise, You’re Adopted.” Cause that’s when you want cake.

Items I noticed on a recent cross-country tour: Ad in a Louisville newspaper: “for sale cheap - my son's collection of bebop and rock and roll records. If a 14-year-old's voice answers the phone, hang up and call later”. A sign on a runway at the Great Lakes naval station: “Absolutely no flying permitted over nudist camp 6.4 miles SSW on a true course of 167 degrees.” Item in an Indianapolis newspaper: “Miss Jan Carr was overcome by gas while taking a bath. She owes her life to the watchfulness of the janitor in her apartment.” Ad in classified column of a University of Cincinnati medical journal: “Will the person who stole the jar of alcohol from Room 303 kindly return my uncle's appendix? No questions asked.”

I did all those other jobs very poorly and half-heartedly really just to pay the bills while I went after this comedy dream.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

This town has lost a lot of business. I've had a lot of people tell me they`re tired of driving to Bonner Springs.