Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 292

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?

If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."

Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … "fuck that bitch," "fuck that bitch."

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.