Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 292
All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.
I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.
President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.
I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.
I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’
All television is an advertisement - that’s why it exists. It wasn’t the art-form first and then the commerce - it was that they could put on entertainment long enough to distract people into looking at products. It’s for focusing people on advertising and separating you from money in some way. Some people forget that. The side product is that we get some great eye candy. TV is the best it has ever been right now. I don’t have a problem with that since it’s what keep us employed.
There's a song out now called Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent. So when a man asks a woman Hey, baby! What's going on? The woman will say, The rent, motherfucker!
All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.
For me, anything goes when I pick up a mike. I'm not trying to hurt people - I try not to get too personal - but I look at myself as a reporter. If you can report on anything that has to do with pop culture, then why can't I make jokes about it? Yes, it hurts. But I figure that laughter sometimes starts from pain. You might wince, but then I know that I'm doing my job. The only thing I can do wrong is not be funny.
I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.
I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.
Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.