Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 292
Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'
Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Girls, do yourself a favor, don't ever bring us anywhere to pick anything out - ever, ever. You don't need us there.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.
It's a simple and an effective way of getting everyone on the same page, prepared and paying attention to the gag. People just get into that frame of mind of you doing impressions. It can take a minute or two for an audience to catch on when you aren't doing one.
I'll get God his money when I see him. And if he asked me why I was holding onto it, I say, 'Well, there's a lot of false prophets on Earth. I didn't know who to give your money to, and I didn't want to give it to the wrong person and still owe you when I got up here. Ain't no sense in paying if I didn't make the list, 'cause I'm gonna need that money for cold water and an air conditioner.'
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.