Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 312

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Once you've had a man with no legs, you never go back baby.

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.

You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey.

I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.

I was out with this girl; I bought some drinks. We went back to my hotel room, she starts throwing up the drinks that I bought all over the hotel room; it was very upsetting. It was like she was throwing up my money on my money.

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.