Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 312
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
Most people that you talk to, they's intelligent. Like I said, "Most people."
Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.
Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one-except the Lord."
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
I dated this woman for three weeks, and then she told me that she had a penis. I thought we were just role-playing. It was unbelievable. I was so shocked and embarrassed by it, it took me three more weeks to convince her to start wearing condoms.
Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the fuck out of everybody!
Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.
I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. There's that story about how Eric Clapton saw Jimi Hendrix play, and he supposedly went home and cried because he could never be that good. I would never do anything that fruity, but I can relate to that. I wish I was as great as other guys, and that sucks. So I get the blues, and I self-medicate.