Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 312
When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.
I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.
Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they'll, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.
The most dramatic realization was that in surrender I would find more freedom and power than I'd ever known.
My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.
The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it’s over - it’s over. No more confusion!
The good old days; it was good because they were young but they act like it was the day. No, youth is good. That's gone. You're fucked.
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. I was adjusting my speed and stepped wrong and twisted my ankle. I felt a moment of frustration filled with immediate relief. I didn’t have to actually work out, but I still got credit for trying. It was a gym snow day.
There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.
I think there are people on other planets looking at us and going, “Oh yeah, the Earth, we used to have a place there, but then that whole neighbourhood went”.
In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.