Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 312

I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.

Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!

Everybody needs a prenuptial agreement. People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup. Oh no! You got 20 million and your wife want 10, big deal! You ain’t starvin’. But if you make 30,000… and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

I was prescribed an anti-biotic that had over 44 million possible side effects including a desire to kidnap.

Jerry Weintraub, the producer, might be a pain in the ass, but he really knows how to treat his actors.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

It's been five years, we still can't catch Osama bin Laden, but we've nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall. The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall right now, but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"

I made fun of Adam Sandler so that future generations of comedians could be cast in his movies. I made fun of Jay leno so there could be a Jimmy Fallon.