Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 313
Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.
Sex couldn't be simpler. I think there's only like five things you can do in the whole fucking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, 'Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five.'
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, "Are you sure it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, "Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy?" But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.
I have found that - just as in real life - imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it’s over - it’s over. No more confusion!
Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.
I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.
Sylvia Plath – interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
People who are homeless, they're not all addicts. A lot of times, they're just people who, through something like losing their job or losing someone in their life, ended up on the streets. So much of our time is spent in cars that sometimes you need to look out of those windows. And you see that a dollar, 50 cents, whatever you have, may not mean much to you, but it means everything to people who are hungry and who are in need.