Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 313

I appreciate the fact that Obama is the 'tech President'. I kinda like that, isn't that kinda cool? You see him, he's on his Blackberry. I'm like 'Is he playing BrickBreaker right now?'. He does like YouTube updates. Doesn't that have to be cool? Like you log in to your Myspace in the middle of the night and 'Oh fuck, Obama's on'. You can write to him 'Obama, what are you doing?'. 'Oh, I just downloaded that video of the kid shooting himself in the nipple with the paintball gun. You gotta see that. And I'm working on some legislation too'. 'Oh, good stuff. Obama, you on Facebook?'. 'Na, I got poked by a zombie and the Secret Service took me outta there, so...'.

I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'

They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry' wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, "Are you sure it’s a chest cold?" Never got a dinner!

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.