Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 313
If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!"
There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.
Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.
Some people don't like competition because it makes them work harder, better.
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.
Everybody needs a prenuptial agreement. People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup. Oh no! You got 20 million and your wife want 10, big deal! You ain’t starvin’. But if you make 30,000… and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her.
You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.