Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 313
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, "who's that?" I say, "that's Jesus". He says, "baby Jesus?!" I say, "yeah, that's him". He says, "somebody killed baby Jesus!" It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. "what? The bastards killed Jesus!"
Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Without Brett Favre, they wouldn’t have Brett Favre, and that’s what that’s all about.
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the fuck out of everybody!
Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
Most people that you talk to, they's intelligent. Like I said, "Most people."
Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.