Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 313
Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.
Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
It's because of men like you that women like that fuck guys like me.
If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.
Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".
When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.