Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 311
Will god punish them or will he leave it to the correct of authorities?
The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup.
If you like strange, specific stuff - that's a nerd. Kanye West is a black nerd. He likes strange, specific stuff. If you go up to Kanye West and say, 'Hey, what are your favorite things?' He'll be like, 'Robots and teddy bears.' That's a nerd.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
A lot of people out there are going to ask 'why did they interview Carlos about this? Carlos is a joke thief, Carlos steals jokes and we know this.' Listen to me and look at me when I tell you this, with all honesty: if you think that I steal jokes, fuck yeah, you're right! Of course I fucking steal jokes, are you out of your fucking mind? When I come to a comedy club, you better run, bitch, you better get the fuck off stage because if anything you say is even remotely funny, I'm going to make it mine. And all I'm going to do is say 'Mexican' in the front. I'm like a rapper, I just sample shit and make it my own. Was that really my song? I don't know, but it sounds like mine, but it kind of sounds like somebody else's. It's a hit, bitch!
If we can teach sign language to monkeys, then shouldn't deaf people be awesome at gymnastics?
Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.