Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 311

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.'

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'

Death is an acquired trait.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.

There's no way to describe what I do. It's just me.

Thank you for remembering me. I'm also happy to be accepting this trophy before I become incontinent.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.

You might be a redneck if... you've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

Everybody needs a prenuptial agreement. People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup. Oh no! You got 20 million and your wife want 10, big deal! You ain’t starvin’. But if you make 30,000… and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her.

I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'

In the new world every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children, animal and humans with the stolen money we have recovered.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.