Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 311
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.
You might be a redneck if you use your fishing license as a form of ID.
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherfucker!
The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it’s over - it’s over. No more confusion!
Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.
Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one-except the Lord."
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.
I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.