Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 311

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did when you were little. I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They act like I dropped the baby Jesus. So now, they still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby. Let me see the baby.' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'

I think when the movie `Roxanne' came out, which I also had written, I felt something new that I never felt, which was respect.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The most dramatic realization was that in surrender I would find more freedom and power than I'd ever known.

I was a beer boy in a bodega, where I was responsible for keeping the beer cold in the freezer. It was the heyday of Olde English 40 ounces. I also sold fire extinguishers. I used to put my foot in the door when people opened it. I would do a demonstration with newspaper on their dining room table. One time, I had done so many damn demos that my extinguisher didn’t have enough fluid in it after I started the fire. I grabbed the tray, threw it outside in the grass and stomped the fire out. The person was yelling; and I got in my car, leaving all of my equipment, and got the hell up out of there.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.