Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 327
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.
What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"
I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.
Sarcasm - I get it now! See at the time I thought your jokey manner was just the way you were sublimating your shame over the discomfort you feel deep in your soul after extinguishing the last smoldering embers of any of your program’s journalistic bonafides!
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.
Women are more emotional. They do get flustered. Which is not to say that men are better than they. It's simply the way it is.
"Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's coming out. It comes with a turnip and a spork." "I was wishing you had one of them left; wishing upon a star."
I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.