Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 327
My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
She goes how come I always catch you looking at slutty looking girls with big boobs. And I go, are you serious? Why? Um. That girl was wearing pink, and pink draws the eye. That's basic optometry hun, I'm surprised you didn't know that.
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.
With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making”? Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.
(Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven) The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.
They have the x-ray area. I don't mind going through it, but I get tired of the businessmen who make way too big a deal out of their computers. 'Excuse me, I have a computer. I have a computer here. I don't know how you're going to handle this - my computer.' Oh, is he from the future? They've been around a while, pal. I think they have a way to handle your computation machine.
I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.