Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 327

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I was never brave before. I always tried to make it work. Now I have nothing to lose except some cash, and it's just not that important to me. I've never been allowed up until now to remain who I am, or true to what my life is like.

When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!"

Jen said she'd never ever see me again. When I saw her again, she said it again.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.

George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, "Give us a visit, and bring the missus." Never got a dinner!

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.