Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 326
You like cheese without the corners, in other words you’ll never be a slice bitch!
I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.
I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
Jerry Weintraub, the producer, might be a pain in the ass, but he really knows how to treat his actors.
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.