Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 331
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!"
We really see the live shows as something totally separate from the TV show, even if the audience may not see it that way.
That’s the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.