Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 331

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

Sarcasm - I get it now! See at the time I thought your jokey manner was just the way you were sublimating your shame over the discomfort you feel deep in your soul after extinguishing the last smoldering embers of any of your program’s journalistic bonafides!

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.

When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

Babies: they're not just for Puerto Ricans anymore.

I don’t think a man who is fifteen years younger than me should tell me he is proud of me unless he is my sober coach or my time-travel dad.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

The biggest waste of brainpower is to want to change something that's not changeable.

But puberty was… well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?