Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 331
I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.
It’s fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think 5 AM after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox. “Men just want to fuck.” It’s five in the morning, everybody wants to. That’s why they stayed out ‘til five because it didn’t happen at two.
He was wearing a velvet shirt open to the navel. And he didn't have one. Which is either a show business gimmick, or the ultimate rejection of mother.
We really see the live shows as something totally separate from the TV show, even if the audience may not see it that way.
I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.
I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.
A Klaner (KKK) is a cat who gets out of bed in the middle of the night and takes his sheet with him.
The biggest waste of brainpower is to want to change something that's not changeable.
You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
I`ve got two children. To be honest I always wanted 3 children.<br /> Now I`ve got two, I only want one.
Now I have a fax machine. I never had one before, and I might have to admit, I'm excited to use it. But the problem is, I don't really have anything to fax. I mean, take a good look at me. Do I look like I have any documents that need to be somewhere in a hurry?
I've been trying to get into the Royal Box in New York for years. They say I'm too dirty, my material is too blue. But I think Redd, the whites and blue can be a nice combination.