Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 331
Hawaii is the best form of comfort for me. When I die, I want to be cremated, and I want half my ashes spread in the Pacific around the island, the rest on the property.
I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck.
I don't know why I try to talk about politics publicly when I have no idea what I'm talking about. I feel like I should be auditioning for 'The View.'
Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. You should expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. Humans are always evolving. If you do one thing that if done by every human would destroy the world, that makes you Hitler... I don't live by any of those. But I believe them all very strongly.
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
A Klaner (KKK) is a cat who gets out of bed in the middle of the night and takes his sheet with him.
You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
Pussy really is the main motivating factor in all of humankind. It really is. It's what gets shit built. [reacting to applause from the audience]: I'm not 'yeah' for pussy. This is a flaw in the system, don't clap for it! [I'm] saying, they know that is a catalyst, and that's why religion and government have to control supply and demand of pussy. And they do that by heaping shame upon you should you want to give away more than the 'federally allocated recommended daily allowance of pussy'. "Oh, she wants to suck more than one dick?! Whore! Shun your natural instinct, whore, or nothing'll get built." — It comes down to production, it really does. They have to keep that pussy like a dangling carrot, something that's hard to get so he keeps running on the treadmill, building more shit, sending out more boxes to the dollar store, pointless shit that no one needs. — That's why cocaine is illegal: it makes pussy too easy to get.