Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 331
I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.
I don’t think there’s anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.
I hate the term 'partner.' 'Yes, we're partners... This is my life partner, Teddy.' Jacoby & Meyers are partners. Ben & Jerry are partners. Bausch + Lomb are partners. You and Teddy are fuck-buddies.
It was awful at first. I'd lie awake all night, knowing that I had to rehearse 'Sanford,' the next day. But I was geared to being up late, I only caught a couple hours sleep each night for the first few months.
The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk! Will you talk!” “But it hurts!” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine…”
All parents suck. There's not a good one out there. Not one. You people watching right now... if you were good parents you would turn this television off, you would grab a book, and you would read to you children.
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.
I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."