Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 336

I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

You know a religion has no sense of humor, when a guy can stand up and say, ‘you know, if you commit suicide for Allah, after you die you will be met in heaven by 70 virgins,' and nobody in the room just goes, 'Ahahaha! Son of a bitch! That was great!'

Don’t thank the lord, I gave you that compliment… Thank me.

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

My name has zero value.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.