Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 336
When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'
Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
A Klaner (KKK) is a cat who gets out of bed in the middle of the night and takes his sheet with him.
Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.
It was awful at first. I'd lie awake all night, knowing that I had to rehearse 'Sanford,' the next day. But I was geared to being up late, I only caught a couple hours sleep each night for the first few months.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
Two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22-year-old Vietnam veteran. I was like, 'Here's a buck. Yeah, I know man, Da Nang was whack.'
I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.