Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 336
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! "This is a rap killing. Let's go home!"
It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It’s not so much about being a girl, it’s about being a funny comic.
A Klaner (KKK) is a cat who gets out of bed in the middle of the night and takes his sheet with him.
I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.
I love New York, though I'll never eat any of the ice creams that they sell in the park. That's just disgusting. You see the little picture of them? They all have a little bite taken out of them already.
Now I have a fax machine. I never had one before, and I might have to admit, I'm excited to use it. But the problem is, I don't really have anything to fax. I mean, take a good look at me. Do I look like I have any documents that need to be somewhere in a hurry?
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.
You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.
There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain.'