Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 336

I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. "I don’t want tacos! Maybe."

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.

Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

Don’t thank the lord, I gave you that compliment… Thank me.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

Your career and your passion don’t always match up. Plenty of talented people don’t have the careers they want. Plenty of untalented people make millions and make movies. There is a difference between determination and talent.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

We ran out of classical music - that's how long this wedding went on.

A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

The real terrorist threats are George W. Bush and his band of brown-shirted thugs.