Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 336
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
The real terrorist threats are George W. Bush and his band of brown-shirted thugs.
I believe that the phrase “time in a bottle” refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.
When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.
My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.
Tina Fey is my comedy wife. I have known her for almost a double decade. We met each other when we were poor and single. Now we are both rich as shit and have husbands all over the world. People think of us as a ‘comedy team’ and I am not quick to correct them. Why wouldn’t I want to connect myself to the fiercest and most talented voice in the comedy world?
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.
His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.
I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?