Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 337
Now I have a fax machine. I never had one before, and I might have to admit, I'm excited to use it. But the problem is, I don't really have anything to fax. I mean, take a good look at me. Do I look like I have any documents that need to be somewhere in a hurry?
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?
Two weeks ago in Los Angeles, at a stop sign, I was asked for a dollar by a homeless 22-year-old Vietnam veteran. I was like, 'Here's a buck. Yeah, I know man, Da Nang was whack.'
Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
Jewish comics today are less jokey. Their humor comes at the end, rather than as in Vaudeville where the jokes came at you.
I would say that, unfortunately, the word liberal has been redefined over the last 30 years as if it is a bad thing. But liberalism is a great American philosophy. Being a liberal is one of the best things you can be. I don’t think they get a fair shake at all in the conservative mainstream media. So maybe there’s some intimidation there.