Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 337
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. You should expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. Humans are always evolving. If you do one thing that if done by every human would destroy the world, that makes you Hitler... I don't live by any of those. But I believe them all very strongly.
I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.
I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.
I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.
I've been trying to get into the Royal Box in New York for years. They say I'm too dirty, my material is too blue. But I think Redd, the whites and blue can be a nice combination.
People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.
Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.