Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 337
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to fucking work okay? That is it, end of fucking list!
This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.
Tina Fey is my comedy wife. I have known her for almost a double decade. We met each other when we were poor and single. Now we are both rich as shit and have husbands all over the world. People think of us as a ‘comedy team’ and I am not quick to correct them. Why wouldn’t I want to connect myself to the fiercest and most talented voice in the comedy world?
I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, "I've decided to wait for the circus to come."
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?
I urge you to ask yourself just how honorable it is to preside over the abuse and suffering of animals.
A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.