Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 335
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... husband!
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Here's a way to break up an astrological love-fest: you just stick your head in the middle of the people and go, 'Uh, you know, Hitler was a Sagittarius.'
What man? Which man? Whose the man? When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? Am I a man? yes, technically I am.
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.
Jen said she'd never ever see me again. When I saw her again, she said it again.
Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!
I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.
When we spoke, he told me, 'The Newsweek thing has changed the world.' And I said, 'Wasn't it 9/11 that changed the world?' But Michael said he just didn't want to take a chance.
I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour - nothing - just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that - I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.'