Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 335

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.

Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!

The best revenge is living well.

I've been trying to get into the Royal Box in New York for years. They say I'm too dirty, my material is too blue. But I think Redd, the whites and blue can be a nice combination.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.

My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant. Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist but you lovely bitches and hos should know I'm trying to correct this.

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my own voicemails.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.

I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.