Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 335

I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"

Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.

For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.

A friend of mine who works for naval intelligence said an aerial satellite revealed that 1.9 million attended the event in 1995. But if they would have had a rumble at the march the newspapers would have said that 75 million Afro-Americans were there.

Black cats don’t worry about going bald. We know we don’t have a lot of options, so we adapt to it pretty fast. Black cat will look in the mirror and say, “I’m bald… can’t be pulling no hair from over here and combing it over there… so I just shave this shit off.” White dudes they fight baldness to the death. I know a white guy with one hair, got it swirled all over his head.