Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 335
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
I flew to France. That's a long flight from L.A. to France, like 16 hours. And you just get off the plane and you smell like ass and you feel like ass, and then you meet French people, and you're like, 'I'm fresh as a daisy. These people smell like ass.'
Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.
It was awful at first. I'd lie awake all night, knowing that I had to rehearse 'Sanford,' the next day. But I was geared to being up late, I only caught a couple hours sleep each night for the first few months.
I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I’d gone to Africa I would have got poached.
Your career and your passion don’t always match up. Plenty of talented people don’t have the careers they want. Plenty of untalented people make millions and make movies. There is a difference between determination and talent.
The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'
Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.
If a guy’s ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he’ll just break down and cry. He knows you know.
His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.
Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they'll, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.
In California, we are a sixty percent Hispanic state, we elected an Austrian governor. Even old Nazis are going "That's weird."