Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 344
They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome!'
You’re not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don’t shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!
My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
When we spoke, he told me, 'The Newsweek thing has changed the world.' And I said, 'Wasn't it 9/11 that changed the world?' But Michael said he just didn't want to take a chance.
Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, "Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian." Never got a dinner!
The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
You're finally old enough to go trick or treating by yourself, and then they gotta give you that talk. 'Alright, son, just go door to door and get the candy, that's all you gotta do. Just go get the candy. Knock on the door, go to the next house, get more candy, and it's all yours. Get to keep it all. Have fun, get lots of candy. Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot to tell you, son - be careful 'cause the candy might have razor blades in it.' Oh my God, what a horrible thing to tell an 18-year-old...