Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 344

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

Jewish comics today are less jokey. Their humor comes at the end, rather than as in Vaudeville where the jokes came at you.

It takes intelligence to make real comedy, and it takes a reality base to create all that little stuff I like to do that makes you giggle inside.

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?"

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

?As a nigga, we are not prepared to turn down a free god damn drink. We don't give a fuck what it is like 'this is unleaded!? that's spicy than a mothafucka, nigga I like that!