Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 344
In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
Connecting with people is not hard. I love the interaction and the feedback after shows. It does take some time, but the fans appreciate it which makes it worth it.
I like getting a massage, but it's hard to relax because the whole time, you're laying there for an hour with a stranger, naked, with your ass in the air - a lot of trust involved. You can't really concentrate because you just keep saying to yourself, 'Don't fart. Don't fart. Don't fart. No boners. No farts.'
Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in.
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.
When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
I don’t think a man who is fifteen years younger than me should tell me he is proud of me unless he is my sober coach or my time-travel dad.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy "You guys are cheap" .. "Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you" "That guy just called you cheap" "No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was - smart. Very smart he was".