Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 344
Change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I’m on my version of the protein diet, but there ain’t no protein in it. It’s a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.
If you choose jail over church, you either really hate God or you really love butt rape.
Even if you didn't see the movie, you'd see two words you'd never seen put together before - comedy and Muslim. Comedy is friendly - it's the least offensive word in our language.
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.
Jewish comics today are less jokey. Their humor comes at the end, rather than as in Vaudeville where the jokes came at you.
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone.
You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.