Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 355

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot.

My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered: "Hey, why not you Roseanne?" Indeed, why not each of us?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant. Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist but you lovely bitches and hos should know I'm trying to correct this.

I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.

Late night, thought we were so crafty in college. Maybe I'll come by late night, hun. If girls ever broke that down, it'd be bad. Let me guess, you're gonna go out with your friends, get hammered. And if you fail to nail some skank at a bar you'll come pound on my door at 4am. The more I say it, the more I like it.Mark me down for a yes. Late night.

I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope…