Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 355
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.
It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin' a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry." Here's your sign.
I do want children. I study dads more. I watch what they go through. I admire my father more than I ever did and my brother and my sister.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session.
If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.