Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 355
Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?
Connecting with people is not hard. I love the interaction and the feedback after shows. It does take some time, but the fans appreciate it which makes it worth it.
(Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven) The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.
Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?
Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
That is the international baseline of all humour. Farts. You can be as sophisticated as you like, but you have to admit farts are funny. You go, No, we don't actually agree. I saw a hilarious satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies. It was hilarious. Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn't. I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend satirising the government with his voice going up at the start of a sentence and then down at the end. It was hilarious. Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn't And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines, will be as funny as that.
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
I know a husband whose neighbour boasted, “I got a cute little red sports car for my wife yesterday.” “Gosh,” sighed my friend, “I wish I could make a trade like that.”