Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 355

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I was lying, of course: that's what parents do best.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Being a Jewish comic today is a lot different than it was years ago. In fact I changed my name from Dudy to David when I first started to make my name less ethnic. Years later, agents urged me to change my name to something shorter and less Jewish and I told them I had already done that.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

I love people, I love studying people more than history. So whatever situation I see, then I look at, what were the people like, more than history itself.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

You know what so funny, this strike has been going on for a long time. It's lasted longer than the Civil Rights movement, what the hell is this? It's painfully obvious to me white people don't know how to protest. You need like an Al Sharpton, have a dream, go to the mountaintop, do something!

At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"