Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 356
I can't remember the last live-action, non-animated Christmas movie.
New York acts like it's a big melting pot, 'cause it's like all the different cultures, 'Oh, we all melt together.' And then you move here and you realize it's not a melting pot at all. It's actually a bunch of pots that want to live next to their own kinds of pots and not talk to other pots.
Today being a stand-up means that you have to throw them a joke, then another and then another and then follow up with some kind of storytelling.
What were you thinking right before you hit the ground, Evel? What were you thinking?' I remember thinking: 'Hey, did I turn off the iron?' Then, my leg cracked in half. Then I was thinking: 'Hey, maybe I should get a puppy?'
And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Any guy that refers to dating women as "the hunt" or being "on the prowl" should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people!
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.