Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 356

Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, "Maybe we're white." Never got a dinner!

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

It’s very easy to attack ourselves. Even comforting in its familiarity, but you must resist this urge at all costs. Dwelling on the past or your perceived flaws will do nothing but keep you under emotional house arrest and hamper your progress. Commit yourself to growth and reward yourself with kindness for choosing to do so!

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

You were born on April Fool’s Day because you’re a dick.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

If you don't believe in yourself, then who will believe in you? The next man's way of getting there might not necessarily work for me, so I have to create my own ways of getting there.

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

Depression can be a mirage.

Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting.

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.