Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 356
The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!
It’s very easy to attack ourselves. Even comforting in its familiarity, but you must resist this urge at all costs. Dwelling on the past or your perceived flaws will do nothing but keep you under emotional house arrest and hamper your progress. Commit yourself to growth and reward yourself with kindness for choosing to do so!
When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?
(Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven) The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.
Blood... does not make you family. In fact, blood just links your DNA to the scene of their crime. A real brother is a guy you can pin down and dangle a two ounce loogie that far over his face. So, that at the very last second, you suck it back in. Or you don't. That's what makes family. Phlegm.
I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'
I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.
You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?
You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!
It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.
I saw a bloke the other day talking to himself. So I tried to listen but I couldn't hear him. But the weird part is while I was watching him I was going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there." There's another bloke looking at me going "That bloke's bloody talkin' to himself over there."
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.