Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 356
At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"
Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.
I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
It eventually appeared to be me, cinematically. When I was writing it I was actually an author, you know, writing a book. ... But there certainly is a difference in energy between a younger man and an older man.
Why do they call that funny little statue a bust when it stops right before the part of the body that it's named after?
Telling me to relax or smile when I’m angry is like bringing a birthday cake into an ape sanctuary. You’re just asking to get your nose and genitals bitten off.
I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.
Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.
You're so beautiful. You could be a part time model. But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.
Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.