Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 356
I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.
I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half an hour, right before you go to bed. You thought you were scared before...
This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.
They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They're always having picnics. There's always a tree, a pond... Who are these people? I don't know them. I don't want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? "Here's another couple having a better relationship than us."
It eventually appeared to be me, cinematically. When I was writing it I was actually an author, you know, writing a book. ... But there certainly is a difference in energy between a younger man and an older man.
I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.
Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.
When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.
People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a winner!
There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!
I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.
One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.