Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 377
And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.
So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.
When you're collaborating with somebody who's got a lot of stuff they haven't worked out yet, you're working out their vision as well.
I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.
Talk about sexist - have you ever, ever, heard someone come up to a woman and say ‘find your masculine side?’ And by the way women, if you find your masculine side - I’m not interested.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"