Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 377
She's so hot. I wanna tell her she's hot, but she'll think I'm sexist. She's so hot, she's making me sexist... bitch.
Oh yeah jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now man, I'm 40, I do it everyday, I do it everyday. Hell, I've even gone beyond porno, I'm back to regular network TV.
I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.
Just heard a guy say "pussy is my thing". Wow, guy really went out on a limb. Do you also like ice cream, and getting things for free?
You might be a redneck if you think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.
You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
Remember chin-up bars in elementary school? Yeah, so do I. Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would run our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar, when we got to the bar, we would the grab the bar and let our bikes go and just swing there. ‘Cause we’re idiots. One day we were out on the playground, it had been raining. We didn’t think metal got slick when it got wet. Never had cause to think that thought. We’re straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I see these two little fifth grade girls by the swings. I turned to my buddy and said, “Hey man, older women.” “I’ll go first.” Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud, I’m flying towards that chin-up bar, the banana seat’s getting hot just from the wind blowing by it! I grabbed that wet pole, I let that bike go, my full wait hit the chin-up bar, I went, “Thunk!” Knocked out cold on the ground. My friend flips out. He runs across the street to my house where my mom’s in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, “Bill’s dead!” About the time I came too, I saw a woman in her nightgown and panties run at me going, “Waaaaaa!” Boy I wish I had died!
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, "Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?"
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.