Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 377

I could always make people laugh.

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what "money" is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: "Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back."

You cannot make your opportunities concur with the opportunities of people whose incomes are ten times greater than yours.

Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept.

Would you buy a second-hand car from this man.

My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained.

I say “God bless you” when somebody sneezes. I don’t say “bless you.” I don’t say that because I’m not the Lord. I can’t do that.

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.