Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 377
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is "King."
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”
I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.
All that I ask is that you do every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.
Don’t give me that shit that weed’s a drug. It ain’t no motherfuckin’ drug. I’ve done the research. It’s just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire…
Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.
When you're collaborating with somebody who's got a lot of stuff they haven't worked out yet, you're working out their vision as well.
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
I had one girlfriend, she had one of them "recto-mies." You know, that's where they scoop the pussy out and leave the box it came in. We got along just fine. She didn't want nothin' from me, and I sure didn't want nothin' from her.
I grew up in the suburbs. I’m an angry suburban nergo. I’m bad in, like, Starbucks. I’ll hurt you over a frappuccino.