Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 378
Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?
The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days.
Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.
My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
When you get married, you stand there and you say 'Til death do you part.' That's what you say in the marriage vows - make that vow, stay together forever. The divorce rate is sky high, so everybody's just lying their asses off. Why don't we come clean? Let's be honest, you know? Instead of standing there saying 'Til death do you part,' let's just go, 'I'll give it a shot.'
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
On house-hunting: They said it was split-level and open-plan, but then again so is an NCP car park.
The reason I do what I do is because I was influenced by Steve Martin, by Woody Allen, by Bob Newhart, by Carol Burnett, by Lucille Ball.