Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 378

Some tips for life: 1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2. Be kind to people. 3. Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead. 4. In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5. Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.

To me, the most important thing in this age is just to let people be.

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!!

With all the trouble black people have, they try to forget on weekends. You've got to be good to make them laugh.

I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

On house-hunting: They said it was split-level and open-plan, but then again so is an NCP car park.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

I say “God bless you” when somebody sneezes. I don’t say “bless you.” I don’t say that because I’m not the Lord. I can’t do that.

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened.