Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 378
I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?
What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”
I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.
To me, the most important thing in this age is just to let people be.
When you're collaborating with somebody who's got a lot of stuff they haven't worked out yet, you're working out their vision as well.
I had one girlfriend, she had one of them "recto-mies." You know, that's where they scoop the pussy out and leave the box it came in. We got along just fine. She didn't want nothin' from me, and I sure didn't want nothin' from her.
I grew up in the suburbs. I’m an angry suburban nergo. I’m bad in, like, Starbucks. I’ll hurt you over a frappuccino.
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.
I bought my parents a home before they died, and they got to see that I was going to be all right. They always thought I would go someplace.
I like to work on New Year's Eve. It has a nice spirit; a nice feel about it. If you are all about the 'year-end' thing at all, then laughing with fellow human beings is a great way to start the new year.
They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They're always having picnics. There's always a tree, a pond... Who are these people? I don't know them. I don't want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? "Here's another couple having a better relationship than us."
I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.