Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 378

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

In spite of the seven thousands books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting "Kill the fairy"...

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is "King."

Life is a near-death experience.

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.