Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 376

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.

My whole act is off the top of my head.

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

I'm studying Kabbalah, which is really the essence of Jewish spirituality.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.

From an early age, I was trying to get laughs, but it wasn't a conscious thing. I think I was about six months old when I first realized I needed friends in life and making people laugh worked for me. By nine months, I came out of my shell.

You look mahvelous!

Don’t give me that shit that weed’s a drug. It ain’t no motherfuckin’ drug. I’ve done the research. It’s just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire…

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words.