Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 376

My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: "We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore." "Why? I'm not paying you - my parents are! Come here!"

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love.

The NRA is not pro-gun, they’re anti-varmint.

It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, "I'm a very good friend."

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missin' a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry." Here's your sign.

I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.