Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 376
I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.
My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love.
I feel like… I don’t have a wife, I don’t have a kids, but… I see rappers and I’m like, I know that’s fake. I know how much you make, this is all bullshit. But people are buying into it, and you shouldn’t have that power. I’m legit trying to make honest moves so that all of us can grow. I want to make a show where my sister can work on and become a producer because she can’t get in, no one’s leting her. I want to make things where people can actually grow. A place where people can actually be honest.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
When you're collaborating with somebody who's got a lot of stuff they haven't worked out yet, you're working out their vision as well.
I had one girlfriend, she had one of them "recto-mies." You know, that's where they scoop the pussy out and leave the box it came in. We got along just fine. She didn't want nothin' from me, and I sure didn't want nothin' from her.
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.