Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 376

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!!

I could always make people laugh.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what "money" is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, "Adam - uh, don't kiss guys."

Would you buy a second-hand car from this man.

Everyday I look across the office floor, there you were, your hair down to your legs and your legs down the the floor.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

Don’t give me that shit that weed’s a drug. It ain’t no motherfuckin’ drug. I’ve done the research. It’s just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire…

If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.