Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 376

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.

The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

To me, the most important thing in this age is just to let people be.

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!!