Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 381
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wise-ass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy.
As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. "Goodnight, baby." "Do you think we were together in a past life?" "Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed." "Don't you feel like we're soul..."
I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.
I went to see the shuttle go up. There was nobody there; I was the only guy there. Everybody was at NASCAR. Who's your favorite astronaut? If you could only fuck one astronaut, who would it be? Mission specialist Blabadahdah? But NASCAR, now that's something different. 'Cuz goin' to outer space - that's for nerds. But driving quickly in a circle... hmm, who isn't wet?
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn't Able. Never got a dinner!