Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 381

I'm studying Kabbalah, which is really the essence of Jewish spirituality.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I will always do stand-up, even if my acting career takes off. Stand-up is my life.

My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.

When you're collaborating with somebody who's got a lot of stuff they haven't worked out yet, you're working out their vision as well.

Incidentally, I'm still looking for acting work, my first love.

And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.

They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’'s a dog. Don’'t waste my time.”

I bought my parents a home before they died, and they got to see that I was going to be all right. They always thought I would go someplace.

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.

I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.

Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.

When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement.