Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 381

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

Jews don’t daydream. ‘Cause folks are after them and they gotta stay sharp. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt.

I tend to go against the grain because when I start to see that everybody's trying to shock, I try not to. I just do stuff that's subtler, more emotional, and I think that shocks people.

Today is a big day in TV history. On this day forty-one years ago, the Beverly Hillbillies aired for the first time right here on CBS. They took a little break, then in 1992, they moved into the White House for eight years.

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!!

Incidentally, I'm still looking for acting work, my first love.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Without my family, I'd be something.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened.

From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up.