Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 381
My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: "We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore." "Why? I'm not paying you - my parents are! Come here!"
I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.
Most people think white people can't dance. Truth is, white people be too fucked up to dance.
When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest... when they start to bleed go, "I guess not".
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
I have an ex-wife, can you tell - Cock shit fuck - but... I have a wonderful ex-wife, I really do. She's a great mom, and she's doing great. She's fuckin' rich - that's hey boyfriend's name.
When you're watching the news, how many days in a row can you watch that and feel good about yourself and the world?
A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.
But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.