Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 381

If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

You look mahvelous!

I've actually tried to give Brett Ratner dance lessons, but he thinks he already knows how to.

I will always love to perform standup comedy.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Bret, you got it goin' on! "Got it goin' on!" Not in a gay way but in a hey-your-lookin'-ok-man!

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5.

You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, fuck it.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.