Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 380
I'd like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I'm gonna be on for an hour.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.
Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.
In the world of poop, there’s only one Proopster. I’m Greg Proops, the Amazing Pooper Scooper!
I bought my parents a home before they died, and they got to see that I was going to be all right. They always thought I would go someplace.
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wise-ass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy.
Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.
As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. "Goodnight, baby." "Do you think we were together in a past life?" "Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed." "Don't you feel like we're soul..."
Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.