Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 380

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

I had left home like all Jewish girls in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny finally and ultimately sated... but enough about the pork.

Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.

There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.

I will always do stand-up, even if my acting career takes off. Stand-up is my life.

It takes 15,000 nuts to hold a car together, but only one to spread it all over the highway.

With all the trouble black people have, they try to forget on weekends. You've got to be good to make them laugh.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

I noticed you all were French, opposite of bonjour to you.

There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, "Adam - uh, don't kiss guys."

My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained.

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I'm studying Kabbalah, which is really the essence of Jewish spirituality.