Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 380

I can tell you now what I couldn't tell the studio then: Purely in case the movie was like a monster smash, I would have gotten too recognized.

They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half an hour, right before you go to bed. You thought you were scared before...

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. "Goodnight, baby." "Do you think we were together in a past life?" "Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed." "Don't you feel like we're soul..."

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.

From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

The only sport I really get into is snowboarding. Cause that’s the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.

To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing.

I think the best music videos are the ones that have nothing to do with the song. Those are all my favorites.