Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 380

If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

It's late and I can't sleep. Bowling it is.

With all the trouble black people have, they try to forget on weekends. You've got to be good to make them laugh.

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words.

I had one girlfriend, she had one of them "recto-mies." You know, that's where they scoop the pussy out and leave the box it came in. We got along just fine. She didn't want nothin' from me, and I sure didn't want nothin' from her.

I will always love to perform standup comedy.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’'s a dog. Don’'t waste my time.”

And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be "in" your shoes at this particular time and place.

My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wise-ass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy.

My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.