Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 382

It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.

If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it’s a pit bull, you say, “You better let him finish.”

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?

Yeah you may have fucked up today, but you can still not fuck up tomorrow.

I think the best music videos are the ones that have nothing to do with the song. Those are all my favorites.

All right, bitch, you want to fight? We can fight then, you fat motherfucker, l'm tired of your shit!

I will always do stand-up, even if my acting career takes off. Stand-up is my life.

I've always gotten myself overly involved in supporting other women who've not always been as supportive in return.

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'