Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 382

And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be "in" your shoes at this particular time and place.

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower.

It's funny that we think of libraries as quiet demure places where we are shushed by dusty, bun-balancing, bespectacled women. The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community. Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed.

From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up.

Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, "Maybe we're white." Never got a dinner!

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, this keeps all your food cold for 600... You've got this refrigerator, this keeps all your food cold for 800... Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold."

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Comedians don`t get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can`t really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.

After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.

In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.