Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 382
I think the best music videos are the ones that have nothing to do with the song. Those are all my favorites.
Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.
They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. Whats his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time.
After nearly killing herself, Kristy Yamaoka has been whipping through the talk show circuit at a break-neck pace.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: "Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back."
When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement.
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
It’s Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They’re endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you’re on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.