Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 382
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.
You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.
What I am for is justice for everyone, just like it says in the Constitution.
But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.
I live in racist America and I'm uneducated, yet a lot of people love me and like what I do, and I can make a living from it. You can't do much better than that.