Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 386
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
I did stand-up my whole career, and Vince didn't, and it's a little frustrating when he's funnier than me, and that bothers me a little bit.
It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts. "'Great party Arj. Best party ever.' What a jerk!" "How do you know he wasn’t being sincere, Arj?" "Because he wrote it in Sarcastica! If he had enjoyed himself, he would have used Good Times Roman."
I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.
I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big 'ole brown eggs. Like, you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. 'Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?'
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.
I feel like… I don’t have a wife, I don’t have a kids, but… I see rappers and I’m like, I know that’s fake. I know how much you make, this is all bullshit. But people are buying into it, and you shouldn’t have that power. I’m legit trying to make honest moves so that all of us can grow. I want to make a show where my sister can work on and become a producer because she can’t get in, no one’s leting her. I want to make things where people can actually grow. A place where people can actually be honest.
My father walked to school, 4'oclock every morning. With no shoes on. Up a hill, both ways in 5 feet of snow, and he was thankful.
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.