Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 386
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.
I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?
I was asked by a waitress, with a straight face she said "Would you care for an orange juice?". I said "If it needed me". "Is it going to be alright?"
In the world of poop, there’s only one Proopster. I’m Greg Proops, the Amazing Pooper Scooper!
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy.
Why do they put the little "on/off" words on a light switch? If the light's on, you can see that it's on. If the light's off, it's too dark to see the words on the switch.
I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.
I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!
You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.