Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 386

I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive.

First of all, none of the kids knew what I was, because they'd ask 'what are you, a sub?' Sub is prefix for below. They'd all say sub, sub. I didn't know if I was a ship, a sandwich...

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P. A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

I noticed you all were French, opposite of bonjour to you.