Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 386

We constantly stress defense and that was the difference.

Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

In spite of the seven thousands books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.

Yeah you may have fucked up today, but you can still not fuck up tomorrow.

It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.

Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!

If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. 'Hey, yeah, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'

We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.