Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 385

We constantly stress defense and that was the difference.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

If you want some pussy, you'll talk all that shit with them. 'Hey, yeah, sure,, the cosmos.. sure..'

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.