Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 385
I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one.
I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?
But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.
Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.
I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.
Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, "Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.