Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 385
Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.
Every year there’s a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.
I hate the fuckin' gall of these countries, that come to us, a week after the war, and go, "Hey. Can you help us out? Our cities are all fucked up, our highways are destroyed, our economy's shit, the people are wounded, they're outta work..." Yeah, that's basically what we wanted to do to you... And that's what we wouldn't have had to do to you if you'd just pulled your fuckin' troops out of Kuwait, instead of setting those 700 oil wells on fire, and dumpin' oil in the ocean and poisoning the fish. So fuck you; eat your poisoned fish, breathe your black air, and kiss my American ass!
On the Wizard of Oz Lion's lookin' for some courage... Tin Man's lookin' for a heart... ain't none of them lookin' for some pussy, and they skippin' down the street with a bitch!
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.
We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate, and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!
If you read angry political blogs, substitute "Obama" with "my daddy" and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.