Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 385
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was unarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behaviour. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush’s Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren’t stranded in Monica Lewinsky’s vagina.
I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980's. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.
My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don’t.
My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wise-ass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy.
I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.
But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."
Nothing good comes from Switzerland! Cuckoo clocks and fucking Toblerones!