Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 387
White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way!
As far as gambling, just ask any of the dealers in the Las Vegas casinos and they'll tell you that woman can't play blackjack. They can't add up the cards fast enough.
Oh yeah jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now man, I'm 40, I do it everyday, I do it everyday. Hell, I've even gone beyond porno, I'm back to regular network TV.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
From an early age, I was trying to get laughs, but it wasn't a conscious thing. I think I was about six months old when I first realized I needed friends in life and making people laugh worked for me. By nine months, I came out of my shell.
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.
Remember chin-up bars in elementary school? Yeah, so do I. Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would run our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar, when we got to the bar, we would the grab the bar and let our bikes go and just swing there. ‘Cause we’re idiots. One day we were out on the playground, it had been raining. We didn’t think metal got slick when it got wet. Never had cause to think that thought. We’re straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I see these two little fifth grade girls by the swings. I turned to my buddy and said, “Hey man, older women.” “I’ll go first.” Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud, I’m flying towards that chin-up bar, the banana seat’s getting hot just from the wind blowing by it! I grabbed that wet pole, I let that bike go, my full wait hit the chin-up bar, I went, “Thunk!” Knocked out cold on the ground. My friend flips out. He runs across the street to my house where my mom’s in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, “Bill’s dead!” About the time I came too, I saw a woman in her nightgown and panties run at me going, “Waaaaaa!” Boy I wish I had died!
I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.
It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'
This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.
They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They're always having picnics. There's always a tree, a pond... Who are these people? I don't know them. I don't want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? "Here's another couple having a better relationship than us."