Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 387

Yeah I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick that butt up, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?

I just went through a break up, actually. I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I'm just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, 'Never put your face in them.'

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

He missed a shot and got frustrated and accidentally hit himself on the head with his own putter and needed stitches on the course. It was hysterical. He continued playing. He didn't get hurt. It wasn't serious.

Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.

Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

You can't make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.