Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 387
I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.
I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least I do have cough medicine on tap.
I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.
It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.
When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other. I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human. While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.
Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?