Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 387
Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!
Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn't Able. Never got a dinner!
Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that.
So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.
This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.
What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what "money" is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
Fraser’s mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo-intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place.
I went to see the shuttle go up. There was nobody there; I was the only guy there. Everybody was at NASCAR. Who's your favorite astronaut? If you could only fuck one astronaut, who would it be? Mission specialist Blabadahdah? But NASCAR, now that's something different. 'Cuz goin' to outer space - that's for nerds. But driving quickly in a circle... hmm, who isn't wet?