Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 403

There are never enough I Love You's.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.

If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.

I was an actor before becoming a comedian.

Let me tell you about Australia. It’s really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you’re a gleam in your father’s eye.

I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

Us Asians look like we’re twenty until we’re fifty. Once we’re fifty, we look like Yoda.

Women are like potato chips. They better come with my fucking sandwich.

You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.

I know what you guys are thinking: Oh Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects, you know, is there anything off limits? Anything you don't find funny? Anything you think is too sacred to laugh at? And the truth is, there is... White people. I think we've been through enough...