Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 403
You know who's mad at Kobe? Every other player in the NBA. You know why? 'Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring. Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum. 'Cause you know how women are, man. Women get upset: 'Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that bitch get my $3 million, too?'
'SNL' is the first real job I've held for more than a month and a half.
You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.
I wish I had a condom on right now at the bar. If only I had a piece of disgusting, greasy rubber just strangling the base of my tallywacker with enough force to cause my eyes to fly out on springs, like someone from a Warner Brothers cartoon, and ripping out pubic hairs in eight different locations - what a night!
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, "Oh, come on!" every now and then at the TV.
When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."
I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.
People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!
I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap.
Yes you can tell how good a guy is on bed by the way he dances. If a guy is excellent at dancing he’s also probably really great at having sex… with men… having anal sex.
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.