Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 402
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”
People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.
My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what - news flash, guys - a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual and celebrate the unique-osity of that person. And no - I didn't fucking score!
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should. But they always work out. I'm thankful that the world's in perfect harmony at all times. Pilgrims had it tough. But now, we live in the strongest, most prosperous country in the world. And the Indians, well, you know.
I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house - obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.
I was the voice of Bobby. So while I was doing the show, I was also a father. It did reflect how I tried to handle things in my own home.
My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says "Is it raining out" I couldn’t help my self when I replied "Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!"
I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.
No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"