Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 402
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.
Jews don’t daydream. ‘Cause folks are after them and they gotta stay sharp. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt.
You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other. I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human. While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.
You do a clean show and it's over and the audience have enjoyed themselves and you've enjoyed yourself, and you haven't had to resort to shock.
Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'
If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it’s not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, ‘That’s what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?’ But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.'
It's botherin' me, man. You know, "you can't say this, you can't say that," I'm like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I - can I do it? Can I talk to y'all? I mean, I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y'all.