Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 402
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.
I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
Why's God always got such wacky shit to say? When's the last time you heard somebody say, 'God told me to get a muffin and a cup of tea and cool out, man.'
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said "Yes! Oh God, Yes!"
The thing that drives me crazy is when comics say 'I have low self-esteem.' No you don't. You're standing on stage asking people to pay. You don't play an instrument. You want people to pay to hear what's in your mind. You don't have low self-esteem. You might have other problems.
You walk into a strip club with a wad of cash; they all flock around you. Strippers are just pigeons with tits. They go where the bread is.
Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.
It's your aptitude, not just your attitude that determines your ultimate altitude.