Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 402
Telling a comedian "Make me laugh" on their time off, is like telling a professional dancer: "Strip for me, you cheap little whore".
I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.
I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.
It doesn't behoove us not to ask these questions. It makes us look like fools.
I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn't part of a small enough minority. So now I'm a Jewish lesbian vegan.
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids.
Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.
When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be "great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too."
Ultimately, it's the best decision I've ever made in my life. There's an economy of energy that you have in your life. You just have to devote it to things that are good for you, for the most part, that's more constructive than drinking. And one of them doesn't end in uncontrollable vomiting and crying...