Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 404

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going? I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard… Some people slow down at those things… I don’t slow down. I speed up and set the high score.

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

I could always make people laugh.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"

I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980's. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There’s not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there.

My influences were Woody Allen and Lenny Bruce.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.