Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 404
Us Asians look like we’re twenty until we’re fifty. Once we’re fifty, we look like Yoda.
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.
Little kids ask questions every second. She must have asked a thousand questions in one block, and finally, I panicked. She went, 'What are those clouds made of?' I'm an idiot anyway - I go, 'Steam from a hot dog.'
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
It's a constant battle between what your heart tells you, and what your brain tells you.
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways?
Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn't have running water for a long time and we didn't have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.
Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.
Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!
They're all mine... Of course, I'd trade any one of them for a dishwasher.
When you give to American Throat Cancer or whatever, it's almost like you're trying to buy karma. But you don't feel good about it because you know most of that is going to mailers and buying pink ribbons. When you fucking actually change a life like that, I've never felt better. That's something that, hopefully, I'll be talking about when I'm up there.