Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 418

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

If you're a white guy and you're sleeping with a black girl, there's only one way you know if you're putting it down like you should. Don't listen to 'Oh, you're the biggest. You're the best.' Don't listen to that -- she says that to everybody. Don't listen to that. The only way you know is, in the middle of sex, she grabs the back of your head, looks you dead in the face, and calls you the n-word. When you can make her ass forget you're white, that's when you know you're putting it down.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

The subtext of every one of these beautiful poems is that it doesn't matter how big your cock is, it's what you do with it. Like the guy with the giant cock would have no clue.

Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One’s called It’s Getting Muggy In Here.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.

I have an obsession with books about kids with Asperger's syndrome.