Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 418

You can't lie to kids about drugs. They know about drugs. You can't say they're just all bad. They know life is a little more complicated. I have never done heroin. I would never recommend heroin, but it hasn't hurt my record collection.

I don't like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint I really couldn't say shit to the guy.

Comedians are therapists. People honestly think we’re doing it for ourselves. No. If we wanted to do stand-up for ourselves, we would perform in front of a mirror and never go to a club. We are giving this away. Some people are going through so much in their lives, they want to hear something else that’s going on in the world and laugh.

I couldn't stop. I put the pipe down. It jumped back in my hand.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

My whole act is confession.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here.

It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

People like to compare something to something that they know. Even with Chris Rock, they say he's like Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy.

Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.

These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me - I've just been cutting onions. I'm making a lasange... for one.

Ladies, is it really the size of a man's penis that matters? Is it? (some girls cheer) Well, the whores have spoken. Some woman say yes, some women say "no, it's how he uses his penis." How he uses it? What is this man doing with his magical penis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? "A gazebo, how did that get in here?!" "Don't thank me." What if a man doesn't have a penis, but three balls, and one of them lights up and plays a tune? Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY?!