Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 418
When my ugly friends say shit just got ugly I want to say damn uglier?
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
The nervousness never lasted more than a second because he was so congenial and comfortable. He made more stars on his show, probably, than anybody in the whole history of show business.
All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.
The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still talking to the newspaper!
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!
I've got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.
What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.
The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, going "Rock on man!"
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
Lets suppose there is a Louis Vuitton store. The Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store everyday of his life and will never step foot into it. "*indian accent* not even in their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you". Chinese people, sale or no sale, you are going to Louis Vuitton EVERYDAY. You NEVER buy shit. Sales guy asks you 'Can I help you sir' "*chinese accent* No, just looking". Minute sales guy looks the other way Chinese guy whips out a camera *sound of camera clicking photos* - ka ching, ka ching, ka ch-ch-ch-ching. Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong "Make this bag quickly. We'll sell it to the Indians".
I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'