Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 418

What’s the difference between a jazz guitarist and a pepperoni pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

This country you’re sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn’t earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you’re in this room right now and you’re successful… you didn’t get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you’re a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.

When my ugly friends say shit just got ugly I want to say damn uglier?

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!