Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 417
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases.
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
I've got a lot of friends there and there is stuff to do but as much as I dislike LA I really like living and working in New York City.
When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest... when they start to bleed go, "I guess not".
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
The thing that cracks me up the most about male strippers is, they’re always in policemen’s uniforms and firemen’s uniforms. ‘Cause they say that women like a man in uniform. No, no, it’s not about the uniform, okay? We like men with jobs. You will never see a male stripper come out with pajama pants on, holding a video game controller and a pop-tart.
This is my life, man! You can’t tell me how to talk about my life. People come with that kind of arrogance like, “you need to be talking about this.” I say, “well you need to go listen to Christian comedy then.” It’s like listening to Christian rock, it just doesn’t count. You can either sing gospel or Catholic Church music, stay away from rock. You can’t rock a solo to Jesus, I’m sorry. No, I’m listening to Zeppelin dude.