Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 417
You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.
Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!
Whats up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that shit... guys killing their wives. I don't understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don't they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole things gonna play out? Like, I'm gonna kill my wife, then I'm gonna get caught, then I'm gonna go to jail, then I'm gonna get fucked in the ass.
Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One’s called It’s Getting Muggy In Here.