Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 417

I don't like letting my friends drive drunk, but I was smoking a joint I really couldn't say shit to the guy.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy.

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house - obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here.

It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.

Telling a comedian "Make me laugh" on their time off, is like telling a professional dancer: "Strip for me, you cheap little whore".

My report card always said, "Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students."

I'm not an activist; I don't look for controversy. I'm not a political person, but I'm a person with compassion. I care passionately about equal rights. I care about human rights. I care about animal rights.

People like to compare something to something that they know. Even with Chris Rock, they say he's like Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!