Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 417
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.
These aren't tears of sadness because you're leaving me - I've just been cutting onions. I'm making a lasange... for one.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still talking to the newspaper!
What they have at Chuckie Cheese that we dont have at our house, you wanna see a mouse... stand there... pull the refrigerator out the wall.
The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, going "Rock on man!"
When I used to watch vaudevillian impressionists, people like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin, I always felt like the voice was the only point. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be of the Robin Williams or Jonathan Winters model, where observation and storytelling was important.
I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'
There was this guy recently who sued his landlord because he said scalding water from the shower burned his genitals. That's a hell of a way to test the water, huh?
I've sworn all my life. I'd swear all the time and I think it's rather good language. People say it's limited vocabulary that makes you swear well I don't think so. Cause my vocabulary I know at least ohh one hundred and twenty seven words. And I still prefer fuck. You see I've never found the English equivalent for fuck off. And it isn't 'go away'. Cause go away kind of dissipates doesn't it? Go awayyyyyy. Go awayyyyyy, shooooo. Shooooo. It's not conscious like FUCK OFF! It always works you know. And you never read, fuck off he hinted.
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.