Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 417
Mom-and-Pop shops close for no reason. You go in there, you're like, "Why are you closed today?' They're like, 'We're sad.' That's not even a legit thing. Wal-Mart -- you could shoot the entire staff it would be an hour of confusion and they'd be up and running again. That's how great Wal-Mart is.
I'm not interesting enough on my own that you'd want to see a film about me.
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Fang will not go on a picnic. He says we have the whole thing at home: bugs, dirt, tainted food. At our last picnic we wanted to play horseshoes, but his mother refused to go barefoot.
I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.
While you're improvising, you may come up with something which will break him up. As soon as that smile comes out, you know that, hey, we're having fun.
Us Asians look like we’re twenty until we’re fifty. Once we’re fifty, we look like Yoda.
You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.