Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 419

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

There's got to be structure and great comedy. When you start with that, everything else falls into place.

It’s so much easier to give advice than to take it.

4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.

Love is the only shocking act left on the face of the Earth.

Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ‘till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!

When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.