Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 419

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry."

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.

I couldn't stop. I put the pipe down. It jumped back in my hand.

I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

Us Asians look like we’re twenty until we’re fifty. Once we’re fifty, we look like Yoda.

Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

Cat owners are so excited to demonstrate how they taught their cats to poop in the toilet, that they are making videos to share that gift with the world. Now we know what happens when people get tired of making home porn.