Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 423

Everyone has the gift of laughter inside of them. All the world is a prop.

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out - and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The way I figure, there are two types of people: those who get it and those who don't. If they get it, there's nothing to explain, and if they don't, there's no point in trying to explain. They don't get it. Move on.

Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids, and I can get into the mind of a kid. In my brain, I consider myself the ultimate video game player. The ultimate snack maker.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My point of reference is life, in everything that I do.

It's heart-wrenching because they often need the money.

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

And I don’t want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don’t get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that’s still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.