Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 423

Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

I want you like Anne Frank wanted nobody to read her fucking diary.

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

Mom-and-Pop shops close for no reason. You go in there, you're like, "Why are you closed today?' They're like, 'We're sad.' That's not even a legit thing. Wal-Mart -- you could shoot the entire staff it would be an hour of confusion and they'd be up and running again. That's how great Wal-Mart is.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic - I said, 'Michael Jordan is the only athlete you can sleep with and I wouldn't get mad, as long as you got something signed. You gotta bring back a ball, a hat or something. You can't just give away that shit for free.'

I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.

In the past I’ve been hard on the vegans. I’ve called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.