Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 423

I used to always run off at the mouth and talk about people. I just didn't know that it would make a living for me.

Is it weird being a twin city? Do you sometimes know exactly what the other city's thinking?

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

People judge you because they have no faith in themselves.

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things.

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

They do sell a lot of weird things in sex shops. They have this stuff called Mr. Big Cream. It says, “Rub it on your dick and your dick gets bigger.” Great. Wouldn’t your hands get bigger too?

Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.

I would say most comedians have a very cynical worldview of the way the world can work. It's almost like if you didn't, you couldn't be a comedian.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.