Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 423
To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
Some nights it was a melee, literally, where I'd be standing trying to defend myself for what I was doing. People would be screaming at me to do my old act, and getting actually violent and angry at me.
Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!
I hate the word housewife; I don't like the word home-maker either. I want to be called Domestic Goddess.
The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still talking to the newspaper!
My friends are trying to get me to go out on blind dates. Big 'NO' to that because all my friends are a bunch of lying geeks. They're always like, 'Brian, you're really gonna dig this girl. She's got Traci Lords' eyes, Michelle Pfeiffer's nose, Kim Basinger's lips.' Yeah, they always forget to tell me she's also got Charlie Brown's head.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
In addition to listening to the audience’s laugh, you want to listen to their silence. Is it bored or interested silence? The silence is quieter and filled with energy when they’re interested. You can hear a pin drop. When they’re bored, you can always hear it.
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”
We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.